Funny Sh*t my captain does

I like the “Funny Shit my captain says” thread but it lacks something so i have started this thread.

I am sure we will all enjoy.

The following may not be very funny but it cracks me up:

My current captain is overworked as are most of the captains with this company. They are asked to work over on a regular basis and are never really given a solid getting off date until hours to minutes before.

This being the case I don’t think if i were in his shoes I would buy one of the most expensive hunting dogs money can buy and then send my wife scanned articles out of “Ducks Unlimited” on how to train my dog to hunt for me. Especially on her birthday.
Happy Birthday, Dear! By the way how’s my dog?

To get even “Honey” is turning his dog into one of the most expensive lap dogs money can buy.

By the time he finally gets home hunting season will be over and the only thing that dog is gonna know how to sniff out is the couch.

I have many more but this is today’s latest after listening to him lecture his wife on her birthday on how to train his dog properly.

I could tell it was not being recieved well when he asked her, “Where would you like me to ‘go shit’, dear, I am in the wheelhouse.”

more to follow as the drama unfolds

keep it coming

I got started in this industry on line haul push boats hauling barges up and down the major western rivers. Anybody that has ever worked as a deckhand or in any capcity on a “lineboat” knows how “old school” the captains are and the boats that they run.

Part of my daily watch duties were sanitary or “souging” as it is known on the river. This included sweeping, swabbing, and making the captains bed among other countless things.

Many captains will check your work to see if you are actually sweeping and swabbing their rooms every 6 hours by leaving things such as toothpicks or other objects in unsuspecting places. Many deckhands are not smart enough to catch this and a lot will skip the sweeping and swabbing because the waxed decks are so clean you can eat off them.

I however was taught to “pay attention to detail” before I landed this job.

The captain left a quarter in an inconspicious place that he thought surely I would never find and this way he could give me a good ass reaming for not properly souging his room. So sorry Cap.

I picked up the quarter, swept and swabbed his room, and then left him two dimes and a nickel in its place.

He got a kick out of that one and I became one of his favorite deckhands from that point on.:slight_smile:

That is a hoot!

A deckhand was telling a similar story, but in that case, he used a small amount of glue to hold the quarter in place!

[B][U]IMHO[/U][/B]…worked with a captain who liked to leave rice grains in obscure locations…back in the “day” when Fred, Barney and myself were deckhands…today that kind of activity might result in harassment charges…yabba, dabba, doo!!

Working on deck on a cruise ship during an all gay cruise. That’s 2,500 of 'em.

Four ABs quit during the week after witnessing countless public acts of a sexual nature and having been told by the mate they needed to clean up bloody fecal residue on deck, in the hot tubs, sauna, and steam room.

The old man was pissed he was losing good hands and was already at the boiling point with what going on on his ship. I guess he reached his limit when walking on deck and coming across 20 or so men suckin each other off in a circle. He walked onto the bridge white as a ghost. The look on the retired navy captains face was priceless. “I seen a lot of things in my days at sea…but” and then he vomited in the trash with tears in his eyes. It was the only funny thing I saw the whole week.

Makes you wonder how the repeal of don’t ask don’t tell is gonna work out. I got a pretty good idea. Your boot camp lecture is gonna be we still aint askin and we still don’t want to know. Tell who you like. There is a column for sex not sexual orientation.

They are gonna have to make “funny” barracks though. Treat em like females. It will cause too many physical conflicts with hard core military.

should not get political. just been thinkin about that one and how it’s gonna shake out.


“But Sarge, I didn’t get a chance to kiss my ‘partner’ goodbye! He’s right behind you!”

Deep thoughts

I think this would fall under “stupid shit my captain does” but I guess it’s kinda funny too.

I took a job as a pilot because the wages and bene’s are awesome but I am having to bite my tounge until it bleeds because of my “Captain’s” infinate knowledge.

The following issues seem to be an issue anywhere i go and believe me I have been one or two places. What irritates me though is there never seems to be a written company policy and the following are left up to the “Captain’s” discression…(please excuse my ADD spelling. I am not paying for "ie"spell check on here and I didn’t have time to run this one through my word program first)

What I am referring to is the Sea Chest being left open or closed and the same with the sight glasses.

Regarding the Sea Chest I prefer it left open with all my valves to my fire main system lined out and the overboard discharge slightly cracked to relieve excess pressure on the pump if someone shuts off all the topside valves without thinking.

Some Captains will hop up and down if you leave that Sea Cock open. Reason being is some dumbass went down in their engine room and started fucking with valves and damn near or did sink their boat.

I can see their point but I would rather take my chances with the high bilge alarm going off than have to try to get down to my lower ER in a fully involved ER fire to line out my fire main valves.

The way I have my system set up, all i have to do is hit the remote start and we are good to go until the fire burns up the wiring to the pump.

I don’t let anyone fuck with my valves and I have signage and postings next to my valves that a mole could read and understand.
You would have to purposely be trying to scutttle my boat to sink it by leaving the sea cock open.

Regarding the sight glasses…

Just last fall we had a dumb ass leave our bunker fuel sight glass open because he wanted to be able to see the fuel level without walking his lazy ass all the way down the stairs to open, take reading, and then close the sight glass.
Well, our piece of shit towboat shook like a bloodhound shittin a peach pit all the time. We broke sight glasses at least once a week.

I was cruzin with my feet on the dash out in San Antone Bay when the deckhand comes over the radio shouting “Fire in the fuckin engine room!!!”

By the time I got there he was knocking down the flames in the upper ER with a CO2. I made a stupid move and grabbed the dry chem that was hot enough to burn the shit out of my hand and worked my way to the lower ER in zero vis from toxic black smoke knocking down flames the whole way.
I lucked out and managed to knock down the fire while the deckhand pulled the remote engine shutdown.
When the smoke cleared and I stopped hacking there was the busted sight glass shooting about 10 gallons per minute right onto the exhaust manifold.
I would estimate about 150 gallons hit the machinery and deck before it ignited.
Yeah, that was one for the books.

Since then I am always double checking my sight glasses and lecturing my crew on keeping them closed unless in use.

I damn near lost my life saving that piece of shit towboat from a total loss and never even got a pat on the back.

Now I am on a nice big, brand new boat and the Captain in his infinate wisdom wants all sight glasses left open so dumbass deckhands that don’t know how to take a proper reading from a sight glass won’t get confused by a sight glass being closed.

I think if I was still working on that piece of shit I would probably win that arguement but beins that I am workin for a different company that has never almost lost a boat due to a broken sight glass being left open I have to just go with the flow.

What’s even worse is that my Captain’s nickname is “Full Ahead Ted”. So this brand new boat is always shaking and cavitating on his watch.

I have resolved to myself that if the ER catches on fire on his watch I am goin to grab him by his skinny fuckin neck and toss him down into that lower ER to see if the sight glass should be left open or closed.

Only problem though is dead men tell no tales. So who is gonna give the “lessons learned” safety meeting if he is a crispy critter?

Hey, I think I figured out how I am going to get my next promotion!

As a Captain, I like my sea chest open so it’s ready to feed my fire pumps. As for leaving the sight glass tubes open, well that is ignorant. Whomever has the responsibility of checking the level should be shown and trained on how to go about checking the current level. Of all the companies I’ve worked for it has always been SOP to keep the valves shut off unless you are checking that tank, simply because of the example you cited.

Sent from my HTC Incredible 2 using gCaptain

Sight glasses. A dozen years ago one boat broke a sight glass. The remedy was to replace the whole fleet with plastic sight tubes. Then a couple years ago a vetter bagged the whole fleet as deficient. Now we have ALL glass. I never agreed with glass. The reason given that in a fire, the plastic would melt. But at what temp is the glass going to shatter? Then again, having closed sight glass’ would eliminate any issue.

Regarding fire main supply, I believe it is USCG requirement to have either a remote (outside ER) valve, or the system must be set to operate by external fire pump switch.

[QUOTE=cappy208;62612]Sight glasses. A dozen years ago one boat broke a sight glass. The remedy was to replace the whole fleet with plastic sight tubes. Then a couple years ago a vetter bagged the whole fleet as deficient. Now we have ALL glass. I never agreed with glass. The reason given that in a fire, the plastic would melt. But at what temp is the glass going to shatter? Then again, having closed sight glass’ would eliminate any issue.[/QUOTE]
Try magnetic level indicators.

$$$$$$$$$$ plain and simple! Short sighted

Glass is much, much better in a fire than plastic. Some glass won’t melt until 4500 degrees F, even normal window glass won’t melt until 2300 F. Shattering shouldn’t ever be an issue if it is well made, the grommets on the bottom and top should absorb vibrations and shock, and there should be a plastic and metal cover to prevent people bumping into it and breaking the glass. Shattering is usually a result of pressure , more than heat (even though they do correlate), but if the pressure inside that tank increases to a point where that glass would shatter, you probably have bigger problems!

Install no flow stop cocks. If the glass breaks the flow closes the valve.