Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


#161

His lighter just quit, no matches… says he’d give fifty bucks for a f*****g light right now!!!


#162

I thought my days were at a bitter end today.
We had nothing to do in the engine department so I was assigned to deck to help them, there I sort of took charge since AB’s are lazy and we were to wash the sundeck, maindeck and muster stations.

So when we were at the sundeck, I was using the high pressure washer, and the thing is, it takes a few seconds from you release the button til it stops.
I was cleaning the portside door (it has no windows) when it suddenly swung open and the captain stood there. Poor man was soaked, and I stood there, probably with my eyes about to pop out from my eyesockets.

He cooly put the pipe to his mouth and stated: mr.Jensen. I expect next time you think I smell, you can politely tell me to take a bath instead of surprise bathe me like this on my way to the toilet. Carry on cadets

Then he strolled over the deck, lighting his pipe and dissapeard in to the toilet there, and I heard the mate go…holy shit.


#163

Double post!

We are this week in workshop status, since we struck reef in december, we are not at the workshop, but have docked up to freshen her up.

We were on deck, the C/E and I and was watching some amusing stuff when the captain walks down with a smile

Capt: so where are my two angels? (the abs)

C/E: nods towards where we were looking.

Capt: notices the two abs floating on a floatingdock in middle of the fjord WHAT THE FCK ARE THEY DOING THERE?! THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO PAINT!

C/E: They forgot to secure the line.

Capt: well man the MOB boat and get them in!

C/E: I wouldn’t call this a man over board situation, they are yet not in the sea. I would more call it a ‘two retards forgetting to secure the line and is now afloat’ situation.

Capt: I do not care, man the MOB boat and tug them back in.

C/E: but I want to see them try to use their hands to paddle in first…

Five minutes passed as we watched them before we manned the MOB boat.


#164

Captain to an idiot cadet: “When you get to your first ship, do yourself a favor and don’t unpack your bags.”


#165

[QUOTE=ShooterMcGavin;107164]Captain to an idiot cadet: “When you get to your first ship, do yourself a favor and don’t unpack your bags.”[/QUOTE]

We had a cadet once who shot back wiseass remarks every time someone told him what to do. This stopped after the captain said " If I wanted some comeback, I’d wipe it off your chin!"

That captain had a few other good lines:

“That pilot gives my middle finger a boner”

“Keep talking, I always yawn when I’m interested”

When the Chief called him a pussy “Pussy? Fuck I got bigger balls than king kong! Don’t believe me? Well lay down on the deck and watch while I tea bag you from a handstand!”

When the CEO arrived onboard with an entourage of a half dozen assistants and chewed the captain’s ass for some safety violation the old man said “That man’s like a polish machine gun, 6 cocks and he’s loaded”


#166

Here’s one more I just remembered him saying to the chief:

Capt “Can I pick your brain for a minute”

Chief "“sure capt”

Capt: " good because I’m building a retarded robot and I need spare parts"


#167

[QUOTE=ShooterMcGavin;107164]Captain to an idiot cadet: “When you get to your first ship, do yourself a favor and don’t unpack your bags.”[/QUOTE]

Bosun “You think you know everything cadet well I’ll tell you something you don’t know. That pretty little girlfriend of yours is an Internet porn star!”

Cadet genuinely confused “Really?”

Bosun “Yes but don’t tell her, she’d be pissed at me if she found out!”


#168

I just ran into a former classmate who told me this story which had me rolling :wink:

He was sailing chief mate on a ship approaching Galveston and is in the captain’s office, located just below the bridge, when he feels the ship starting to turn. A few minutes later the ship settles on a new course and the old man stands up, looks around, and says “that new 3rd mate is a fuckin retard, call him down here.”

So my friend calls the bridge and seconds later the 3rd mate enters the office. The captain says “Riddle me this retard, what critical piece of navigation equipment did you forget to check before making that course change?”

The third says “None”

“Really? You checked everything?”

“Yes sir” said the 3rd mate “I checked the ECDIS, RADAR, AIS and ARPA. And I even called the approaching ship on the VHF!”

“We’ll you missed one acronym but I’m in a good mood” said the captain with a shit eating grin " so I’ll give you a hint: it’s the ONLY thing I have in this office that let’s me know that you fucked up!"

“I don’t know sir.”

“Ok then I’ll tell you, you failed to check the TFW” said the Captain

“The TFW? What’s that sir?” Said the 3/m with a look of total confusion.

Then the old man pointed to the porthole and said “THE FUCKING WINDOW!!”

The captain then informed the mate that an exposed pipeline was dead ahead and the “TCPA to the end of your short career is about 10 minutes”. then he said “so I suggest you alter course ASAP before that F’n thing makes this ship’s bottom look like the lead actor in a gay gang bang”


#169

Take er Son, I’m just not feelin this shit today!


#170

Had a Captain tell me he found the mariners motto on a cheap paint brush, I asked what it was and he told me we are" tough enough to do the job, cheap enough to throw away."


#171

[QUOTE=“LI_Domer;103398”]

That’ll sound great on the bridge voice recorder someday.[/QUOTE]

A voice recorder would have been an interesting one today. This is more the capt and Chief I walked in to on the bridge, goofing around as it was a boring day.

Cap: I was in Equador when that happened to you, I bet you deserved it being as you were

Chief: Tell it to another soul and I’ll kill you. Done already Jensen? i nod and just watch the view

Cap: I take that as a threat, on job and to a superior!

Chief: thats what your mom pult(fucked also means pulled) after I did her in Shanghai.

Cap: How dare you pull my mother in to this, animal! At least i can keep a secret, like when i did your dad

Chief: …
i turn around and just stares

Cap: sounded better in my mind, honest.

I started chuckling

Chief: what you laughing at Grease monkey? Since you are done with the engine, go swap the clean deck

Me: fuck no! That is the deckies job! (had it not been a humorus tune I would never said that!)

Chief: You do as I say, if not that, wash my asscheeks

Me: why not you swap my ****

Cap: The pup grew teeth, I like that, I recommend you to officer.

Chief: Whelp! Go down below now and push that funny button, we’re soon arriving to port, and if you refuse, I’ll tie you up and place you Naked in a booth with a hole in it going you-kbow-where and give it as a gift to the mate (who is Gay)

As i walked out I heard the cap say

That was pretty harsh, think to løse your a-cherry like that, eech!

The cap and chief I got now are pals and their kids are married so they are sorta family. If Anyone knew what happened behind restricted doors, i dunno if they’d take us seriously.

Another story, at times its not your own cap

This was another cap we sailed with, he also sits in the board of the company.

The mate and I was talking of what stood in the news, for the story was about the boat and that it had been taxated. He had been quite sloppy with his language regarding the cap…it was also then i noticed…

Mate: the fck does he know what this ship is worth? He’s a degraded baffoon. How can he say how much the ship is worth when he can’t even handle tickets to the passengers?

Me: uhm…dude, your radio is on!

He had the radio on his hip so most likely when he was fiddling with the ropes, he had managed to turn the radio on…he was fast to turn it off, and the thing is, these radios broadcast to other boats as well. Å good ten seconds silence before the caps voice sparks from the radio

Gundersen, to the bridge…NOW!
as he dissapeared upstairs, the captain on the other ferry morscoded SOS to the situation, and someone else, still unknown, probably a brat on shore or so broadcasted the funeral match for ten seconds…


#172

“Son, you can keep your mouth shut and let people think you’re an idiot or you can open it and remove all doubt”


#173

Open mic’s are fun unless your the guy running your mouth, know one guy during a ship job say on the working channel this place attracts ASSHOLES only problem was he meant to tell his deckhand on the other VHF. The Pilot asked what was that, oh nothing…LMAO


#174

[QUOTE=“capbubba;108168”]

Open mic’s are fun unless your the guy running your mouth, know one guy during a ship job say on the working channel this place attracts ASSHOLES only problem was he meant to tell his deckhand on the other VHF. The Pilot asked what was that, oh nothing…LMAO[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I am always certain my mic is off…fun thing is that he got yelled at, not for badmouthing the cap but hijacking the intercom, and had to clean the toilets for a good two weeks


#175

Had one captain on the FALCON back in my K-Sea years call the new kid on deck “R.T.” so often I came to think they were his initials. Found out a few trips later this was his way of calling him “retard” on the radio and when asked by the management on shore what it meant, he said “rookie tankerman.”


#176

Heard this today, it was said by a Captain about twenty years ago, I’ve had him once, silent fella…But one day they struck a buoy, a minute had passed and he turned in his seat, looked at the mate and said “You had the rucksack, this is your fault”


#177

Pre 9/11 and AIS, we were approaching Cape Flatery when Tofino traffic called and asked if the Captain could tell them the name of the container ship near us. The Captain being from New Iberia LA, had an accent that stood out for sure on the West coast. So looking with binoculars the Captain sees the word EVERGREEN on the side but can’t see the exact name, knowin that these ships always use EVER in their name he replies “Tofino traffic it’s name is Ever…ah…Ever…ah EVER WHAT EVER” with that unique southern accent, we still laugh about this today.


#178

Well, the entire rucksack incident has awakened a nostalgic feeling aboard. Today, the chief and skipper aboard had spilt the pay for an identical rucksack that the mate got…

While he was down in the loungedeck, they filled the new ruucksack with stone, hid the mates own sack, and when he came up to the stearhouse, the skipper went

‘that was almost a new accident! Dammit, I aint gonna allow this damn infernal thing stay aboard any longer’ and that face the mate had as he saw what he believed was his rucksack with laptop and all went out the window, priceless!

Gonna just edit this, dunno if its true or not, the AB just told a story of what he had witnessed on a cruiseship, non-the-less i liked ut, so gonna post it.

A pilot had gotten the attention of the captain after news of one of the ABs being gay. He told him gay people has nothing on a ship, and argued that allowing him to stay would change the work-enviorment to the worse.

The captain replied at last

You see my cup of coffee over there? That is filled with how much I care of his sexuality, oh its EMPTY. I tell you, if you and your god disagree with how I manage this ship, then you and your god got one mighty problem here. You got a day to discuss with your god on your views of this, can’t accept it, pack your shit.


#179

I worked with a captain who hated messy lockers and was always ordering the bosun to “dejunk the locker and throw the sh!t overboard”

Later we were working offshore and the 3rd party surveyors were aboard for a few months. They were always leaving their crap strewn all over the bridge including expensive fugro computers and equipment. Well for weeks the old man told them if they didn’t clean up it would all be tossed overboard, then one day he followed through on his threat. 10’s of thousands of dollars of gear was jettisoned into Davy Jones’s locker. Well the surveyors where, obviously, pissed and fiercely complained to the client and my company. A small investigation was started and the captain denied ever touching the gear (he had had the bosun do it) but the company found out that he had been jettisoning crap over the side for years despite our no discharge policy. He was told if he ordered anything else tossed overboard that he’d be fired… so, from that point fwd, when he wanted something jettisoned, he’d just tell the bosun to "put this sh!t in Dave’s locker, next to the fugro computers’


#180

To chief engineer
"I’m getting married this time home"

Chief engineer
"Oh yea… what are ya tired of being happy?"