I've copied and pasted these gems from my relief's turnover notes. Enjoy!
The company man is a F#ckin seagull. He flies onto the bridge, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.
That driller would be out of his depth in a puddle!
As I told the chief, the wheel is spinning in his engine room but the hamster is dead.
The new 3rd mate is so clueless when it comes to navigation that it would take him an hour to do a 12 minute plot.
Watching the new 3rd mate handle a pair of dividers is like watching Stevie Wonder jerk off with chopsticks.
The new roustabout is so clumsy he'd trip over the cord on his cellphone.
The company man keeps telling me I need to see things from his point of view, the only problem is I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass!
Joe was pissed about what I wrote in his yearly evaluation but, as I keep telling him, getting a hard on for me doesn't count as personal growth.
Did you hear anything about a raise? My paycheck is getting to look like my dick, so small that soon I'll have to beg my wife to blow it.
Our "boss" is a modern medical miracle. He walks, talks, shits and jerks off without a spine.
The ET's said they "fixed" the radar but when we opened the cabinet it looked like two squirrels crawled into the wiring and started fucking.
The dpo's complained that the joystick "felt sticky". I tried to call an et to fix it but I couldn't stop laughing.
The mates asked if they could watch an episode of Mad Men during watch. I told them ok, as long as they stick around for the live encore featuring me and the OIM.
Answering calls from shore is like being on a merry go round, except there are no prizes and the horse you're riding fucks you.
I don't want to say anything bad about our new "boss" but if assholes could fly then I'd be grabbing his ankles for an early crew change.
The bosun had the balls to tell me that I need to take better care of him. I told him I'll promise to take care of him only if the mafia promises to lower their rates.