Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


We’re in drydock now for yearly maintenance with one of the smaller ships in our fleet, I was fortunate enough to join in on this voyage.

So today, the captain strolled over to me as I was tearing off loose paint on the deck, as I am here to assist both engine and deck…

Cap: Jensen, ever seen a 500 ton ship do a sommersault?

Me: No I haven’t cap

Cap: want to see it?

Me: no, not really…

Cap: well, you are about to witness it if these gents continue to ignore me!

I found out what he meant later on today, they were putting another ship in dry next to us, but the foreign crew had positioned the boat in a wrong angle:.fortunately I did not witness a summersault, since they managed to avoid the support beams the ship rested to break…it was a close shot…


Heard this conversation some years ago. Southwest Pass Pilots calling some foreign ship.

After the ship acknowledges:

Pilot: Captain we need you to rig your boarding ladder on your leeward side.

Ship: Say again.

Pilot: Please rig your boarding ladder on the leeward side of your vessel.

Silence for several minutes. Then in heavy accent.

Ship: We do not have a ‘leeward’ side. We have only a ‘port’ side and a ‘starboard’ side.


A skipper to a enginewatcher (me)

‘When I still had my masters and I sailed them big ships, bulks, lng,lpg and you name it, I learnt a couple of things, important things you oughta know when you are out on the high sea. When i had meetings, it was just three people, the most important ones, it was I, the captain, the chief and the steward.’

‘why not the first mate?’

‘I would ask a wiiper anything first before I would at last ask the first mate. Hell if I am to ask a man who is dumber than me anything important, he would’ve been captain then and not me. It’s like the cleaning company’ ever heard the boss there ask his apprentice what sort of soap, he the boss’ should use? I think not!’


I’ve copied and pasted these gems from my relief’s turnover notes. Enjoy!

The company man is a F#ckin seagull. He flies onto the bridge, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything, then leaves.

That driller would be out of his depth in a puddle!

As I told the chief, the wheel is spinning in his engine room but the hamster is dead.

The new 3rd mate is so clueless when it comes to navigation that it would take him an hour to do a 12 minute plot.

Watching the new 3rd mate handle a pair of dividers is like watching Stevie Wonder jerk off with chopsticks.

The new roustabout is so clumsy he’d trip over the cord on his cellphone.

The company man keeps telling me I need to see things from his point of view, the only problem is I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass!

Joe was pissed about what I wrote in his yearly evaluation but, as I keep telling him, getting a hard on for me doesn’t count as personal growth.

Did you hear anything about a raise? My paycheck is getting to look like my dick, so small that soon I’ll have to beg my wife to blow it.

Our “boss” is a modern medical miracle. He walks, talks, shits and jerks off without a spine.

The ET’s said they “fixed” the radar but when we opened the cabinet it looked like two squirrels crawled into the wiring and started fucking.

The dpo’s complained that the joystick “felt sticky”. I tried to call an et to fix it but I couldn’t stop laughing.

The mates asked if they could watch an episode of Mad Men during watch. I told them ok, as long as they stick around for the live encore featuring me and the OIM.

Answering calls from shore is like being on a merry go round, except there are no prizes and the horse you’re riding fucks you.

I don’t want to say anything bad about our new “boss” but if assholes could fly then I’d be grabbing his ankles for an early crew change.

The bosun had the balls to tell me that I need to take better care of him. I told him I’ll promise to take care of him only if the mafia promises to lower their rates.


Oh I forgot my favorite but first I have to tell you that for months the bosun was in pain and kept screwing up at work but then got his teeth pulled. Everything went back to normal except that he often forgets to put in his dentures. Now here’s the joke left in the turnover notes:

The office told me to demote the bosun because he had too many close calls last year. I told them “no because I talked to the bosun about this last week and he smiled which assured me the fuckup fairy had stopped looking under his pillow.” :wink:


This morning as myself another dpo and a engineer were talking about having run out of coffee and not getting food we’ve requested, the captain comes up to the bridge and joins in. As we get further in the conversation he’s says “well I woke up pissed off this morning cause when I get out of the shower I sat on my nuts.” We all almost spit out our last cups of coffee.


When someone walks onto the bridge: “Whatchya say there, fuzzy nuts?” Makes me laugh every time.


Ok gentleman, taking the lead from Jeffery, here are a few gems I’ve recorded in my tallybook:

Capt: "You ain’t done with those corrections yet?"
2/M: "Well, If you had ordered print-on-demand charts I asked for then I’d be done by now"
Capt: “Yeah and [B][I]IF[/I][/B] my aunt had balls she’d be my uncle!”

To the chief mate: "Listen f#cknuts, I don’t have the time or crayons to explain this to you."
To the chief mate: “Did you run outa blue pills because, right now, your about 300% impotent”

Captain: Have you found me a relief yet?
HR Manager: No, you’ll have to promote your chief mate.
Capt: No, Fucknuts ain’t getting promoted!
HR Manager: Well you’ll have no choice unless you can think of someone available who’s more competent.
Capt: Have you tried Francesco Schettino?

One week later:
Capt to HR Manager: “I ain’t gonna to sit here and listen to you giving me shit. I don’t feed you. I don’t fuck you. And your not even on my F#ck’n Christmas list. Just find me a relief!”

To an AB who forgot his hardhat: “Hey retard… did you forgot your helmet on the short bus?”

Capt: "If a gun, two bullets, Hitler and Bin Laden magically appeared on this bridge right now I would shoot you twice."
CM: "Your’e a Cunt"
Capt: “No, I lack warmth and depth”

To the 2/M: “If you open your mouth one more time, we’re gonna find out if you spit or swallow!”

Capt: "You want to lodge a complaint against the Bosun? Are you shitting me?"
AB: "Yeah man, he’s biggest prick I’ve ever worked for"
Capt: “Maybe but I’ve got him on girth.”

Another AB: "Capt, great news, I’m gonna be a father!"
Capt: "Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?"
AB: "I just wanted to show you the ultrasound"
Capt:"Fine but first tell me the story about that time your were alone on liferaft with a girl and no hope for rescue?"
AB: "I’ve never been in a liferaft Capt"
Capt: “Ok, so how [I]did[/I] you get someone to f#ck you?”


So did f#cknuts get the promotion??


[QUOTE=domer;126096]So did f#cknuts get the promotion??[/QUOTE]


Which reminds me of another captain’s advice on what it takes to be a captain:
"Command of a merchant vessel only requires three things

  1. A Pulse
  2. A License
  3. The ability to state the obvious with authority and conviction"


The captain walks on the bridge, popes himself a cup of coffee, and asks me what’s wrong. I say nothing sir just have a headache. Well when it goes away you’ll feel better and walks back down stairs.


Chief eng I worked for is Italian-American.

He was talking about places he’d been, and said with a straight face, “Yeah, I even been to da Marinara Trench.”


We once had a cadet onboard of a trawler and the guy was seasick as hell… When he came inside the messroom he was complaining that he was sick and he could not go home, when the bosun rather epicly answerd that he had to ask the captain for a flight ticket and the seaking (SAR heli) would puck him up…

He went upstairs and asked the captain for a flight ticket… The captain looked to him and quickly teared of a weatherforecast from the navtex and signed it and told him to wait outside…

He waited outside for half an our puking his guts out while the seaking was doing winching excercises on a nearby vessel…


Years ago I was working for a mom and pop utility boat company. I had been off loading and back loading for about two days, before dp, and running back in. I had no one else in the bridge so I called the AB up to watch the wheel. There was no auto pilot and the compass was unreliable. I picked out a star and told him to head for that star. No sooner than I laid down on the setie, he shook me awake. He said, "cap I need you to pick me out another star. I just passed up the last one you picked for me. " It was a long ride back in.


Mate: "Have you ever been in a marine incident?"
Capt: “yes"
Mate"What happened?“
Capt:” I was on the bridge wondering why the other ship was getting bigger, then it hit me”


Working midnight to noon shift on a new boat and its roughly 0530 I start the coffee and comtinue cooking breakfast for the 1st capt when he wakes up for his 0600-1800. First day on the boat and I’m still just a deckhand on a 165’ OSV… Capt walks downstairs at roughly 0545, I turn an day “mornin capt”… Nothing more, nothing less… He turns full attention to me an says, “don’t shoot a bear in the ass with a b-b gun. That bear may come and rip your fu**in head off.” Fixes his coffee and goes back upstairs…


A new AB showed up and his first words to the Captain where: “I’m the new AB and I want to let you know I’m a minister back home so I hope the porn is disabled on the TV.”

Old Man’s reply: “It’s just regular porn you sick fuck.” :slight_smile:


The captain and bosun where on the bridge wing in port. The Bosun looked down and noticed a guy carrying a duffle back up the gangway"

Bosun said “Hey Capt, Is that the new Seaman?”

Capt: “I don’t know, why don’t you go down and lick his forehead?”

Bosun, looking confused “Why would I do that?”

Capt: “Well I heard guys like you could recognize seaman by taste”


Everyone got called together in the mess, and the captain and the party manager and the medic and the client and etc etc etc all had something to say. I do not remember what was said, but it went on and on. Then the Cheif Engineer gets asked to say something. Cheif is Swedish. Lovely guy, but his English isn’t perfect. He wants to say something about inappropriate items getting flushed down the toilets. The words that actually come out of his mouth are, “I am sick and tired of finding small shits in the toilets!!”

Some wise-ass wants to know, “ok Cheif. Where should we put the small shits? On your desk?”


A girl gets a job on a ship stationed in Diego Garcia. She’s a little too much of a partier and starts to show up late for duty. Captain has her up to is office and says:

Listen Missy, you’re just a plane ticket away from being ugly again!