Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


After a few years working with some good, normal people I’m back on a ship with an arrrogant Chief Engineer and a quick witted captain. Here’s some of the comments the old man has made.

  • I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

  • You’re like a plunger, you like bringing up old shit.

  • I love what you’ve done with your hair Chief. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

  • Wow, I bet you even fart glitter.

  • Remember that time you shut up and got back to work? Me neither.

  • Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?

  • Go put some sand in your crotch, it will make the crabs feel at home.

  • Stop trying to jerk me off, I already got one asshole in my pants and I don’t need another!

  • Go take a long walk on a short pier

  • If I throw a stick, will you go away?

  • I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit a better argument than that.

  • If assholes could fly, we’d have to bolt a helipad atop the engineroom.

  • If brains were dynamite you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.

  • Take that thought and go what you do best. Swallow it.

  • You’re a sailor’s dream date Chief. You suck shit from any hole but don’t spit it out.

  • Chief: "When I get home I’m heading to the beach!"
    Captain: "You gonna bring your dog?"
    Chief: "No why?"
    Captain: “I just worry that when you sit in sand, cats will try to bury you.”

*Chief "Whatcha doing Captain?"
Capt: "requisitioning xxxl condoms"
Chief: "have a hot date?"
Capt: “no, HR told me it’s the proper PPE for a dickhead like you.”

  • “My job is hard, really hard” said the Chief “Keeping that rusty engine purring is harder than an AB’s d#%# in the Orchard Towers”

“You think that’s hard?” said the captain “Well I think if Ron Jeremy had to sit here listening to you bitch and moan all day he’d hara-kiri a bottle of Viagra.”

  • The Captain likes to rest his coffee mug on the GMDSS console and nobody said anything until the GMDSS started displaying error messages. The Chief came up to look at it before running any diagnostics he was convinced the captain spilled coffee on it.

“Ok then there must be evidence so get on your knees and show me the puddle of coffee asshole” said the old man.

“There’s your evidence” said the chief pointing to a few drops of condensation in the shadows under the console.

“That ain’t coffee that’s condensation asshole” said the old man “What you need is a flashlight”.

The Chief grabbed a flashlight from his back pocket and pointed it at the drops on the floor.

“I didn’t say ‘flashlight’” said the Captain. “I said ‘fleshlight’ so you can go F$@# yourself.”

  • And then there was the time the Chief told us that his wife has “the ass of a Queen” and when he get’s home he’s gonna pop a “little blue pill” and tell her to sit on his d$@#. Without blinking the old man said “Believe me Chief, you don’t need Viagra to fuck up royally” :joy:


During a "splicing of the main brace " ritual anchored off the coast of some place I have tried to forget , the USO entertainment people came aboard to do their usual boost the morale of the crew thing. They had with them A blond bombshell that was very famous at the time, and for the sanctity of humanity will remain nameless. Our crusty old senior chief really had it bad for her, and had announced that " he " would be leading the tour with " her " in it himself.
About halfway thru the tour the bombshell wants something to drink and senior chief heads , ass over tin cups, into the ward room and grabs a glass of water with ice. Of course she takes a drink and hands the lipstick covered glass back to him and she continues wandering with her group like a bunch of barnyard hens .
Grinning like a kid on Christmas, he sets the glass down on the chart table and threatens anyone’s life who touches it . He starts to walk off the bridge then suddenly runs back in drops his kakis and takes out his member and runs it around the rim of the glass. Upon giving everyone on the bridge a look of satisfaction , he then rejoins the tour , still in progress .
At the request of the OOD, and Using a paper towel to pick up the now violated drinking receptacle , we hid it from him.
After the tour, there were several arguments and threats with Everybody , including the OOD . The LT finally gave it back to him and told him to put it in the ward room scullery , and that he had had enough of the matter. Senior chief reluctantly returned the " dirty " glass to the scullery and informed us that we were ALL , just a bunch of plain assholes.
Weeks later the wardroom ordered all new glasses.
Apparently no one was drinking their juice and most had switched to coffee .


“Oh Christina! Come and get some coooooofffeeeeeee!!!” this from a young Italian captain over the PA system of a really big tanker while I was out at the manifold.


At least he didn’t invite you for COVFEEEFEEE!! :laughing:


He very well might have! While his English was infinitely better than my Italian he was still pretty hard to understand LOL!


Well some certain “Southern Gentlemen” can be hard to understand.
The first time I visited the area as a young seaman with limited English, I was not at all sure that the Stevedores (Longshoremen to you) even spoke English.


Yes, well, there was a point early in my career where I got in to trouble because I started giggling every time I heard a Cajun talk. I tried! Really I did! I got over it real soon! Some of the best people I ever worked with were Cajuns. So “Southern Gentlemen” covers a WIDE range of accents and I’m sure that anyone not from the South Eastern part of the US had their troubles with that at first!


We aren’t sure that they speak English either. You should see the longshoremen that we have now.


12 years working in the bayou and I still can’t understand half of what some of those guys say. :confused:


Well, it was a river pilot, not a Captain, and I was a passenger, not a crew member, but the incident was memorable none the less.

In 1973 the Cargill Co. donated a ride on the Austin S. Cargill, then the largest towboat on the Mississippi, to a local charity auction. Another couple and us pooled our resources, bid and won. We rode a smaller tow from Alton to Memphis (where we ran aground. losing the tow and almost taking out the Memphis Bridge) and then transferred to the Cargill. Her tow was 33 barges, a medium tow for her at the time.

It was not a very relaxing vacation because I stayed up nearly 24/7, fascinated by the workings of the boat. Flanking bends, shooting the Vicskburg Bridge at 3 AM, and sitting the engine room watching the old chief reverse the diesel by stopping it, spinning the camshafts, and restarting it with air in response to bell signals from the pilothouse. Lots of stories from that trip, so here’s just one.

Break of dawn, north of Baton Rouge. I’m in the pilothouse, sitting in the back corner with my mouth shut. Pilot turns to me and says:

“Around this bend there’s a crazy Cajun what runs a gravel pit on one side and has his loading dock on the other. Always runnin’ back and forth, pays no attention to nothin’”

If you filmed it the script would read like this:

Pilot: “This is the Austin S. Cargill one mile upstream of [Something] Bend, calling for the one whistle side of the river.”

Silence on the radio. Loooong single blast on the horn. Reverse engines and almost stop, current takes the tow and swings it like a giant door. All forward full, “racing the river for the bend.” Come around going full speed plus speed of the current and there’s a little tug with one barge in front, crossing the river dead ahead. Five blasts on the horn. Radio comes alive.

“Gimme a minnut, Cap’n”

Pilot, in slow, calm, measured tones: “Ah ain’t got a minnut, Cap’n”

Rooster tail from the tug. When we passed him we were so close I could’nt see the stern of the tug from the side window of the pilothouse.




Ok one more and I’ll stop. Best sentence from any captain I ever sailed with on getting underway, “Go that way. Don’t hit anything.”


Heh, I must have sailed with that same one at some stage… My nightly spiel includes, “go that way, don’t hit anything, and dammit, don’t run aground… and have coffee ready if you call me about any problems with the above.”

@cchick001, we both sailed with the same Captain in our early years at sea, I’m sure “Pappy B” had some more choice ones than that.


I was helping out on a Schools Tug as Chief and we were heading out Long Island Sound bound for Port Jeff. It had just got dark and I had to go up to the Wheel House to tell the Captain something. There was a Southern Tug Ahead of us and they were trying to talk to him. The Captain looks at me and asks “Chief can you understand him” to which I answered “no I don’t speak Coonass”.

Well some of the Cadets had never heard that term and needed to be told that it was not a slur. Once we got to Port Jeff the Captain said they had to have an interesting conversation once I left.


That’s my typical line, I don’t think I ever had it used on me.


One time the Captain asked me to come up to the Wheel House with a Sledgehammer and to wake the Mate up on my way. So, the Mate walks up behind me and the Captain says take that hammer and go up on the Bow and break the Flashing light on that Buoy that you “almost hit”. LOL The Buoy was tangled up in the tow bridles.


I had one quote the movie “Better Off Dead” when he said, “Go that way, real fast. When you see something, turn.”


I sailed as a 15 yo Ordinary seaman aboard the ocean tug Christine Foss in 1965 towing an oil barge out of Dutch Harbor Alaska. The Capt. sailed previously under my dad as C/M. and the run up to the arctic ports were well known to him.
We were in a typical Bering Sea gale shipping lots of green water over the bow and while on wheel watch I was pretty sea sick.
The Capt says “you get pretty sick don’t ya Johnny” I said “yes sir Capt.” He said “go stand on the bow and let it hit you in the face, then you’ll feel better!” I replied " I think I’m feeling better already"


In the late 1970s I was on a deployed staff in the Med. Two of our ships had transited the Suez enroute to the Persian Gulf, and both filed the required post-transit report.

One CO started his report with “I never expect a good canal pilot, and I’m rarely disappointed”.


That’s funny, I must have been very fortunate as the Suez Canal pilots generally would come aboard and announce to me: “Captain you are very lucky, I am number one best Suez Canal pilot. I must have 6 cartons of Marlboros!”


I got this one via email from an old timer who asked me to post it here:

Captain’s advice to a new Cadet before sending him to the engine room for the first time:

Before you even think of touching a button or valve down in the engine room NEVER FORGET that you don’t know shit about what goes on down there and if you screw with anything the Engineers will make your life miserable. They will shutdown your head, cut off power to your cabin and turn your cabin into a meat locker one night and a tropical hell hole the next.

And if the engineers ever threaten to make your life miserable NEVER FORGET to remind them that you know nothing about what any of those buttons or valves do down there but are curious to find out.