The captain always ask, as an old maritime tradition; ‘‘What would you like to drink Mr. Pilot’’ …
I often reply very solemnly; ''A Whisky on the rocks Sir ‘’… !!!
Everybody laugh, relax and in a good mood for the long journey ahead … 
“Mr. Cadet, please go and retrieve the key to the seachest for me!”
Not long ago while we were approaching a berth, the cadet came to me and ask very seriously; ‘‘What is the weather Mr. Pilot’’ … !!!
Please help me to find an answer to that question for the next time it happens … cause I couldn’t find any !!!
I ordered at volume … a wheelsman who was steering like a drunk driving; ‘‘HARD OVER TO MIDSHIP’’ … just to alert the BMR to keep an eye on him as well … !!! 
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That’ll sound great on the bridge voice recorder someday.
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[QUOTE=LI_Domer;103398]That’ll sound great on the bridge voice recorder someday.[/QUOTE]
Especially if accompanied with the sound of ice tinkling in a rocks glass. . . . . .
Our 2nd mate, at coffee this morning, after hearing about me moving to another vessel. "You know, one word comes to mind, 7 letters, starts with an “A”, and ends with an “E”, and it isnt “awesome”… after working with the same people for 7 years you build that level of honesty. LOL.
[QUOTE=LI_Domer;103398]That’ll sound great on the bridge voice recorder someday.[/QUOTE]
Do you think that I’m gonna stop breathing because there is a Voice Recorder on the bridge. Any personal conversation is not admissible in court. What’s count, is the real business … Master / Pilote information change, Engine orders, Wheel orders, VTS communications, Navigation instruments setting, VDR, Navigation calculations (Water Level, Squats, ETA’s, …) on a piece of scrap paper, etc. I run the show the way I think is the best to assure the safety of the navigation. A relax bridge is part of that. As well, did you know that 99% of the vessels are now dry ships. When is the last time you took the conn of a vessel or see a navigation bridge ? Give me a break with your moral …
We were in a restricted speed zone which the captain ignored because it was Friday night and he wanted to get off. then he ignored vts when they called telling us to slow down. Finally we got to the dock and a coastle was there waiting for us on the dock.
Coastle said “All you f’n tug boaters ignore the speed regs on Fridays. So today I decided to park at the dock and wait for one of you to fuck up… I’ve been here for hours.”
The captain smiled and said “I know you’ve been waiting… But I got here as fast as I could, honest!”
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I had the pleasure of telling the captain that the idiot new 3rd mate broke the VHF and the chief engineer was on the bridge helping him fix it… but neither couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
The captain replied “I’m not worried, Last hitch I watched two morons rebuild a radio from spare parts so I’m convinced any idiot can do it!”
I said “we’ll they are really stumped capt, can you give them a hint?”
The captain said “Sure! Tell Gilligan and the professor up there to start collecting coconuts.”
[QUOTE=Topsail;103336]Not long ago while we were approaching a berth, the cadet came to me and ask very seriously; ‘‘What is the weather Mr. Pilot’’ … !!!
Please help me to find an answer to that question for the next time it happens … cause I couldn’t find any !!! ;)[/QUOTE]
How about "“I don’t know but Ill tell you when it clears.”
The captain gave an order for right 10 rudder and after the helmsman ignored it the captain said to the third mate “You MUST watch the rudder angle indicator to make sure my helm commands are carried out!”
The third mate said “Why are you giving me shit capt, HE (pointing to the helmsman) is the one who screwed up. Why don’t you go yell at him”
the capt looked him in the eyes and said “I ask the questions here mate and I want to know why when I tell the helmsman something it goes in one ear and comes out of the other but when I tell you something It goes in both ears and comes out of your mouth?”
[QUOTE=Topsail;103336]Not long ago while we were approaching a berth, the cadet came to me and ask very seriously; ‘‘What is the weather Mr. Pilot’’ … !!![/QUOTE]
Or say "The forecast is in my favor… It’s going to rain cat and dog
Then when he asks why you hope it will rain cat and dog tell him “Because it’ll be fun to watch you stroke your pussy then screw the pooch,”
The best advice I got from a Captain was you don’t want to turn early & you don’t want to turn late.
I always tell my mates “don’t wake me to witness an accident”
[QUOTE=rshrew;103472]I always tell my mates “don’t wake me to witness an accident”[/QUOTE]
This exact quote is in my Captains Standing Orders.
I had a captain in the navy tell his junior ship handlers “call me 10 minutes before you do something stupid!”
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Calm down, I was joking too. I would actually find it hilarious if one of my pilots said something like that. Don’t worry if you come on my ship while I’m the mate on watch, I’ll make sure I have a cocktail waitress ready to take orders on the bridge.
Had one captain tell me the best trips you’ll make are the ones you can’t remember .
His lighter just quit, no matches… says he’d give fifty bucks for a f*****g light right now!!!