Well c.captain, If I’m going to get the rimshot then I’ll just keep going.
*What do a Navy Midshipman and a West Point Cadet have in common?
A: They both got accepted to Kings Point.
*Why do Schuyler cadets wear dark blue coveralls? To cover stains when they hammer and chip
Why to KP mids wear white coveralls? To cover stains when they are hammered by Chip
*An AB and a KP Midshipmen are taking a piss at a public restroom. The Mid finishes first and washes his hands. The AB just walks to the exit. So the mid says to him: “Excuse me. As chief deck cadet I will excuse this behavior just once but only because you never went to college. In 3rd year molecular biology at KP they teach us that even sterile urine can contain bacteria so you must always wash your hands after relieving yourself.” The AB says: “yeah well, at Piney Point they teach us not to piss on our hands.”
*A man was being interviewed for a job at MARAD.
“What Academy did you go to?” ask the interviewer, a KP alumni.
“Schuyler” responded the applicant.
“We don’t hire Schuyler guys here, only KP.”
“I know but I really need this job” says the Schuyler alumni I worked offshore for 20 years but a line snapped one day and I lost both my testicles and can’t go back offshore"
The MARAD admin feels bad for the guy and tells him he’ll start work Monday at noon.
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am” says the MARAD director “but I 'll be honest with you, nothing gets done before noon. We just sit
around scratching our balls waiting for orders.”
*Two third mates, one from KP and the other from Cal maritime, are bragging about how good they so the captain puts them to the test.
“For the first test you each drive the ship for 30 minutes, the one with the straightest line on the course recorder wins” says the captain
The sun is setting over the horizon as the KP mate takes the helm and he struggles to keep it to port.
After 30 minutes the captain says “Well fuck that was the worse show of seamanship I’ve seen in years. Your turn” and he points to the Cal mate who takes the helm and SMASH, BAng objects start falling off the shelves, the Engine room calls screaming and the captain’s chair slides across the bridge.
After only 5 minutes the captain orders the AB back to the helm and cries “Holy shit, that was terrible, worse than the KP cadet!”
“Yes sir” replies the Cal mate “but I’ll be sober by morning”
*A KP, schuyler and maine cadet are on training cruise aboard a real rust bucket sailing inside the arctic circle. A few weeks go by when the engine starts spitting black smoke so the captain finds a desolate harbour nearby and drops the anchor. All 3 cadets go ashore but the woods are thick and dark and they soon split up and get lost. By morning they return and line up to visit the medic.
The schuyler cadet tells his story first “I went into the woods and a fucking giant snake bit me”
“That’s nothing” says the Maine cadet. “I was attacked by a gang of wild mongooses and got bit 17 times.”
“Wow that’s crazy” said the KP cadet. “I found a warm and cozy cabin with an old man who warned their are only two things on the island that bite: snakes and mongoose. I snuggled up in a warm and cozy bed then, in the morning returned to the ship making sure I avoided both.”
"So why do you need the medic? Asked the Schuyler guy.
“Well” replied the KP cadet while scratching his balls “That fucker forgot to mention the crabs!”
*KP cadet calls home crying: “Mommy the Admiral got upset when I used the word, “shit” but I was just being honest, that’s what his ass tastes like.”
*The unofficial KP motto: “Sex is only a pain in the ass when you’re doing it right.”
*What engineers do when they arrive aboard ship:
A Cal Maritime Engineer
Squirts some oil on the two engines.
They seem to run pretty good.
Returns to his cabin to smoke a bowl and celebrate.
A Maine Maritime Engineer
Squirts some oil on the two engines.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
A Schuyler Engineer
Squirts some oil on the two engines.
Realizes none of them belong to him.
Starts wiping down all evidence of his fingerprints.
A Mass Engineer
Is told something about two engines, but doesn’t know where they are.
Decides to have lunch.
A Texas Engineer
Has two engines
Counts them again and has 4 engines
Counts them again and has 42 engines.
Counts them again and learns he has 2 engines.
Returns to his cabin to pat himself on the back
A KP Engineer
Sees he’s got two engines but they aren’t listed on his checklist so returns to the ECR for coffee
The 1st tells him he’s a moron and orders him to sit on his hands while he does the round himself
The KP engineer has the wiper turn on the computer for him then types out a complaint with his nose
*And a true story for the grand finale: http://gcaptain.com/forum/scuttlebutt/3-funny-sh-captain-post81512.html#post81512