In a recent Ask Reddit subreddit, one user posed the question: “what is the laziest thing you’ve ever done?” Not surprisingly, some of the responses were pathetically lazy. But one user telling the story of his days sailing on a U.S. military ship by far takes the cake. Here’s his story:
I was once on a US military ship, having breakfast in the wardroom (officers lounge) when the Operations Officer (OPS) walks in. This guy was the definition of NOT a morning person; he’s still half asleep, bleary eyed… basically a zombie with a bagel. He sits down across from me to eat his bagel and is just barely conscious. My back is to the outboard side of the ship, and the morning sun is blazing in one of the portholes putting a big bright-ass circle of light right on his barely conscious face. He’s squinting and chewing and basically just remembering how to be alive for today. It’s painful to watch.
But then zombie-OPS stops chewing, slowly picks up the phone, and dials the bridge. In his well-known I’m-still-totally-asleep voice, he says “heeeey. It’s OPS. Could you… shift our barpat… yeah, one six five. Thanks.” And puts the phone down. And then he just sits there. Squinting. Waiting.
And then, ever so slowly, I realize that that big blazing spot of sun has begun to slide off the zombie’s face and onto the wall behind him. After a moment it clears his face and he blinks slowly a few times and the brilliant beauty of what I’ve just witnessed begins to overwhelm me. By ordering the bridge to adjust the ship’s back-and-forth patrol by about 15 degrees, he’s changed our course just enough to reposition the sun off of his face. He’s literally just redirected thousands of tons of steel and hundreds of people so that he could get the sun out of his eyes while he eats his bagel. I am in awe.
He slowly picks up his bagel and for a moment I’m terrified at the thought that his own genius may escape him, that he may never appreciate the epic brilliance of his laziness (since he’s not going to wake up for another hour). But between his next bites he pauses, looks at me, and gives me the faintest, sly grin, before returning to gnaw slowly on his zombie bagel.
Now it seems this story has been making the rounds on the internet lately, so it’s hard to tell where exactly this story originated or if it’s even true, but who are we to the fun.
Do you have any lazy sailor stories? Share in the comments.
Mine isn’t me but my dear departed dad who was master with one of the very old line Seattle towing companies in the late 70’s which did not believe in fitting autopilots on their tugs nor wanted to put the helm chair in front of the helm which typically was a jog lever. My dad refusing to get on his feet to steer the tug going up and down the inside passage was to get a piece of moulding and put a loop of twine on the end to go over the jog lever. From six feet away from the helm he would steer that boat for his 6 hours at a stretch. He never told me if he allowed the mate the same luxury however?
This is more of a safety issue but back when I was a shipyard yard bird, I was sent to troubleshoot a fan controller on an aircraft carrier and when I opened the door, there in my face was a large zip-tie (tie wrap) wrapped around the contactor holding in the contact assembly
That’s how the Navy fixed a fan controller that “wouldn’t stay on.” Of course it wouldn’t “stay on” you dummies, the holding coil was burned out. So rather than replace the coil (a five minute job in a Cutler-Hammer contactor) they zip tied the contactor closed.
Now get this- I tagged out the controlled and removed the zip tie. When I returned that afternoon, the zip tie was replaced and the Navy had cleared MY tag and the fan was on. I was on the warpath after that.
Also, same ship, numerous unauthorized openings in vent ducts to “improve” the ventilation since ruining the ventilation balance is easier than doing some preventive maintenance on the fan coil units feeding the zone.
Had a partner (we called them mates) who worked with me in the machinery spaces on an aircraft carrier. If you have ever been on one of those, you know it’s a long climb up.
He was so lazy he’d pee in trash cans and the bilges.
One time I was setting the gap on the magnetic pickups on a generator and he was getting impatient so he peed in an empty spray bottle of Formula 409 or something like that and he put the spray cap back on and set it down in an obvious place on the other end of the generator. The bottle was white so you couldn’t tell what was in it.
He said, “Hey Cat, watch this…” pointing to a young Navy guy who was about to grab the bottle in order to use it (for the intended purpose)…
I went to the Foreman after that and told him You are just going to change out my mate TODAY or we go to the General Foreman…
[QUOTE=catherder;153827]Mr. Cat has already beat you to the punch. He brought me a bouquet of Morticia Addams roses.[/QUOTE]
Cara mia! When you speak French my blood boils!
don’t get me wrong because I will always think John Astin’s Gomez was excellent but Raul Julia’s Gomez was simply superb! In fact, the entire Addams Family movie franchise cast was absolutely perfect in everyway and but for the sad, early death of Julia, I am sure would have brought us still many more wonderful sequels.
As a Navy vet I can confirm there’s some merit to your characterization My captain on the minesweeper would have filleted this guy changing course to get sun out of his eyes.
I’ve seen some real winners inn this business, ABs painting ship with 2-part paint but no hardener, galley hand putting soapy dishes back in rack to get people sick, fouling halyards because he was asked to take flag down. Etc…
I was on an T2 tanker. 3 man focsle, community head. Walked in the head one time and saw an old timer sitting on the commode, reading a paper back, and eating a sandwich.
[QUOTE=RichM;153852]I was on an T2 tanker. 3 man focsle, community head. Walked in the head one time and saw an old timer sitting on the commode, reading a paper back, and eating a sandwich.[/QUOTE]
Obviously the right place to eat that shit sandwich Joe Boss might give one.
I love watching my chief try and do everything possible with his feet rather than bend over and pick something up, close a valve etc. Or having a second pair of shoes just for engine room so he doesn’t have to actually clean engine room? Too lazy to refill paper towels wherever he is, so if the roll is low (always checks) he always uses the dispenser in another room. You can’t fix lazy.
I love his logic against 2-parting a line. You’re not even a deckhand, why the fuck do you care? For that unsolicited advice I usually ask him to help the deckhand make up 3 parts.
[QUOTE=RichM;153852]I was on an T2 tanker. 3 man focsle, community head. Walked in the head one time and saw an old timer sitting on the commode, reading a paper back, and eating a sandwich.[/QUOTE]
