Funny Sh*t My Captain Says

What’s the best quote you’ve ever heard a captain speak? Sign up for and post your favorites below.


“Don’t turn the ship for any small vessel unless you see the fear of god in the boater’s eye while he’s frantically pulling his outboard’s rip-cord.” -name withheld to protect the guilty

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When asked why he spends so much time in the office:

“There comes a time in most men’s careers when they stop being paid for what they do and start getting paid for what they know… and by asking such a question of your Captain it’s clear to me that if you want a check next month you better go find a chipping hammer.”

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Conversation with a naturalized American captain with deep Swedish roots:
Mate: "Capt, Can we light off some flares and heat up the Bar-B-Q for the 4th of july?"
Capt: "NO… why?"
Mate: "Not to would be Un-American"
Capt: “All you Americans are whiners. Our holiday is the 6th but you’d never hear a Swede call the steward <STRONG>Un-Swedish</STRONG> for not making meatballs and potatis KORV…would YOU?”


We never had enough time on our Houston to Tampa run to catch up on our reports so on watch with 3 ships on the radar I was typing on the laptop. I’d type then look up every 1-2min… get back to typing… then take a “tour” of the bridge every 6-10min. What I didn’t know is that the old man was watching me from the chart room. After about 30min he reveled himself and said"

“5 years ago if I caught you on that F%#'n laptop during watch I would have fired you on the spot!! Today, with all this ISM BS, if I come up here and find your not working on that F%#'n laptop during watch I’ll fire you on the spot! Keep up the good work.”

…oh and what I was typing was an SOP on safe watch keeping procedures!!!

New Captain’s first speech to the steward department.
“Which one of you is the f#c%ing baker.” a small arm is raised in the crowd. Captain states “Pack your sh%$ you going to the house”

The old man was giving the 2/m a hard time all week for being on the computer so the c/m (Fuller) told him to ask the capt about it. So when the captain woke and told the 2/m to get on deck he asked; “What’s the deal Capt?”.

The response (in a deep german accent):


"WHAT’'S THE DEAL? WHAT"S THE DEAL?? Mr. Fuller tell spreadsheet mikey what the DEAL IS.

Ch Mate:

“I think he wants you to go paint something dude”


"YEAH, you know what… that’s the deal alright. Go paint something before the shit hits the VAN [sic] "

Twenty sum-odd years ago, on a steady run between Corpus and Boston, we picked up several Cubans rafters. One trip, a new Third out of Maine had the 12 to 4. (he’s a bar pilot now) The captain had been asleep for a couple of hours when the mate burst in exclaiming “Captain there’s a Cuban in an innertube off the starboard side!!! What do I do!!!” The Captain rose and in the same motion said “blow him two whistles”.

I’d like to have had a picture of the expression on the mate’s face!!



Said by an Inland Captain to a new mate on navigating the inside Passage of Alaska:

"It’s easy, you just have to remember on thing. Hey diddle diddle, stay in the middle…

…Except when theres rocks."

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“If you are sensitive, go work in a library.”

Learned that as a cadet as well as a few gems like:

“They are all whores, except you Mom.”

While in a shipyard, “They steal from us, we steal from them, they charge us for what we stole from them, it all works out in end.”

After an AB yanked a smoked ring off the bridge wing while trying to do “maintenance” and the bridge was enveloped in orange smoke, “Mate, this is why we will always need mates on ships, to supervise people like that.”


The best quote from a Captain I have is “I’m gonna go home and f*ck my ol’ lady till my dick falls off.” Sorry for being crude, but this was said to me on my return from my first job as a mate, as we were coming in to Lake Charles, La. Captain, was a bit of a crude man, and like his alone time, but seemed to take a liking to me, and when ever we were in the river, he’d call me up to the wheelhouse, and like shooting the shit with me.

My second quote is from an AB, named Rock, which describes him to a t. and it was “son, i’m gonna f*ck you in the ear so you can hear me coming.” the story behind this, was Rock was an older man, with a much younger wife, I dont think anything else can explain that.

Rock can also be explained by the following picture, we were working on a dive vessel in the gulf, and when we’d use our crane, the railings would come down. Rock felt it was unsafe to have all the divers near the edge of the deck, so he asked the captain if he paint a warning on the deck. The night before he painted it, he asked me how to spell “caution” and “danger” afternoon watch came, and he told me he’d be painting, so after I was relieved, I went on deck to see what he had done and I came across this. DAN9ER. Enjoy


From a Captain to a cadet (me) many years ago:

“If you want to be a success in this business you’ve got to remember three things–1. Never eat commercial pussy. 2. Always waterproof your overtime sheet. 3. Never turn left in traffic.”


“Always wear a watch and note the time for everything. Note the time that you shit every morning. If the ship should blow up then look at your wrist and note the time as you’re going through the overhead.”

And, while furiously smoking Kool cigarettes when docking the ship with a talentless pilot in the Mississippi:

“[Deep sigh] I should’ve listened to my mother and been a fuckin’ pimp.”

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So this is from an AB, 60+ years old, referring to the female cadet that was sailing along with me on my commercial cruise:
“It’s probably best I didn’t make it with her, I’ve got the Hep-C anyway.”

From a bosun, renowned for his verbal abilities:
-To a cadet who had gotten drunk the night before and shaved his head: “What happened boy? You let them do this to you? The boy looks like a damned bald-headed chicken f@#$er!”

-To a cadet who never had the right answer:
“Boy, you know why I wear knee-high waders? Because I know I’m going to have to wade through all your bullshit.”

-To a cadet with a poor excuse for being late on deck:
“The line’s too ratty, my hands hurt, I couldn’t get my cat to walk the picket fence backward and I was trying to train it. That’s why I’m late.”

“No, that’s why you’re the Chief Mate.” one line response when I asked him if I was as lazy as the second and third mates before I made Chief Mate, one day when I was particularly frustrated with them.

During a knot exam from a captain to a cadet…<br><br>“Who tought you how to tie that knot?”<br><br>“My roommate, sir”<br><br>“Go back to your room and kick your roommate in the balls!”

Capt to me as a cadet:<br>" I want you to tell me if the porn movies stop on Ch. 3…oh tell that fucking twat of a 3 A/E that Ch. 3 on the TV is broken" The 3 A/E was female<br><br><br>

While preparing to fly on a helicopter from Galveston to an offshore location, I was seated next to our AB, known simply as “Animal”. Animal requested that I scoot over so that he could sit directly behind the pilot. When I asked why he wished to sit behind the pilot, he stated in a loud voice directed so that the pilot could hear: “If this f**cker goes down, at least I’ll have the satisfaction of being able to strangle the pilot before we crash”.<br><br>Happy flying!

“If your dumb enough to get married I’m going to run your ass off”… Still not married, and still at the same job…haha

From a captain to a deck hand, you’re paid from the neck to the deck, I need no opinion from you!

During my initial training as a Navy Harbor Pilot in Puerto Rico, opposed power make-ups on the YD with YTBs
Me: Gee Bri, why you want me to slow down, we’re moving at a pretty good clip?
Brian: BECAUSE dumbass, <strong>Speed is like salt on potato, EASY to put on and HARD to take off</strong>

A Pacific North West Master of a Tug after getting off the phone with his wife…

I sail on the biggest ocean in the world and she won’t let me tell her how to cleanout the garbage disposal