“go get the keys to the sea chest”
The joke is…
the sea-chest is the thru-hull water inlet. It has no keys, doors, or other real need for a “lock” therefore the person will scurry about the ship aimlessly looking for the key.
“get me the left handed crescent wrench”
The joke is . . .
There is no such things as a left, or right, handed crescent wrench. Some tools like the crescent and the pipe wrench are designed in a way where someone, i.e.: “deck ape”, may find them to be for a left or right hand application. This is not the case. Also works with “brass magnet”
“go get a gallon of prop wash”
The joke is . . .
There are many chemicals on ships, and every job practically requires a special product. Prop wash is water turbulence aft of the ship created by the propeller therefore a waste of time since its just seawater.
“go water the captain’s rose”
the joke is . . .
Once again the scepticism of the sailor may be quashed by the all mighty authority of your accomplice, the captain. Generally, maps have an insignia designating the position of “north”. On a nautical chart, this reference contains a bit more information and is called the “rose” -“chart rose”. If the captain plays along, the victim should be running up to the captain’s cabin countless times, as the captain is “too busy right now”, to water his “garden”.
“go grease the relative bearing”
The joke is . . .
Relative bearing is a nautical term - the position of a vessel, navigational aid or such in relation to your vessel. So the victim should get an ear full from the chief engineer when they try to find out where on the ship they should applied the grease they are carrying.
“go blow out the sound powered telephone”
The joke is . . .
This is where naval heritage and modern communication clash. Most ships have modern communication between the compartments, but they also have a simple back up system which is there but seldom used. It’s called the sound powered telephone. This device which is very much like a telephone but with a built power supply is a far cry from the sounds tubes used to belch orders from the bridge in old war movies. Some older navy ships may still have them, and unless you’re on them, the victim will look silly looking for something to blow out.
“get the Bosun’s Punch”
The joke is . . .
The Bosun would gladly beat the crap out of some poor newbie who came by asking for an Bosun’s punch.
“get the skyhook”
The joke is . . .
Once again, there is no such thing. A sky hook is an utopian dream of where a block, tackle or anything else could be secured to. Can’t secure anything to thin air, so unfortunately, it’s just a wish. But it doesn’t hurt to send the new guy looking for it.
“you get the spark watch”
The joke is . . .
You assign the most eager beaver deck cadet to keep an eye on the ships funnel. This will keep the deck cadet busy up on top of the house. Be sure to give him a bucket of water and mop to put the sparks out as they leave the stack. It works best when it is raining. …you just never know when hot air is going to set a steel ship ablaze !
“go fill the port and starboard nav lights”
The joke is . . .
Obviously this one is gonna get your prey to ask, “huh ?” And at this time you state very officially that they need to take the green oil, and the red oil up on the bridge, then go fill the lenses of the nav lights on top of the bridge. Yeah I know, it’s a stretch, but the delivery is crucial for this joke to work.
“get me ten feet of shore line”
The joke is . . .
well… seems pretty obvious until your are new to the marine world where every piece of rope has a name, heaving line, spring lines, tie up line, rat line, etc. So it may be easy for the prey to be hesitant, especially if it sounds like an order from a superior.
“The long weight”
The joke is . . .
When a new “Tiff” joined our ship, one of the first things he was required to do was assist the Chief in calibrating some piece of equipment or other. It didn’t really matter what. At some stage, he’d be told to “nip down to the stores for a long weight.” The store man, of course, would nod sagely, and go and see if there was one to be had. Our “wet behind the ears” tiffy, you’ve guest it, was hanging around for ages. -He had gone down to the stores and got “a long wait”.
“Cooling Water/Steam for the Hand Rails”
Many senior cadets had many other junior cadets searching high and low for the valve to turn on the cooling water/steam for the Pipe hand rails. It was with great enjoyment we would watch some poor seasick fellow or gal wander all over that little vessel looking for the valve I believe that some are still searching for that valve.
“Go bilge fishing”
The joke is…
When cleaning the strainers, little critters and fish get into the bilge. When these critters get bigger, they can get into trouble and wreak machinery. So the cadet should hunt them down - well at least be a couple hours under the deck plates.
Crazy Bearings
One for an annoying deck officer (or just someone you dislike)…
Lift up one of the tile panels on the deck head of the persons cabin, begin to throw copious amounts of ball bearings on top of the remaining panels. Lower panel and exit cabin. Pray for bad weather and extreme rolling of the vessel… Sweet Dreams!!!
Calibration of the Radar
…get a newbee to dress out in tinfoil jacket and gloves and hat, send them to stand out on the bow lifting his arms every so often. Make sure to get pictures!
