Greenhorn Jokes - The Master List


#1

“go get the keys to the sea chest”

The joke is…
the sea-chest is the thru-hull water inlet. It has no keys, doors, or other real need for a “lock” therefore the person will scurry about the ship aimlessly looking for the key.

“get me the left handed crescent wrench”

The joke is . . .
There is no such things as a left, or right, handed crescent wrench. Some tools like the crescent and the pipe wrench are designed in a way where someone, i.e.: “deck ape”, may find them to be for a left or right hand application. This is not the case. Also works with “brass magnet”

“go get a gallon of prop wash”

The joke is . . .
There are many chemicals on ships, and every job practically requires a special product. Prop wash is water turbulence aft of the ship created by the propeller therefore a waste of time since its just seawater.

“go water the captain’s rose”

the joke is . . .
Once again the scepticism of the sailor may be quashed by the all mighty authority of your accomplice, the captain. Generally, maps have an insignia designating the position of “north”. On a nautical chart, this reference contains a bit more information and is called the “rose” -“chart rose”. If the captain plays along, the victim should be running up to the captain’s cabin countless times, as the captain is “too busy right now”, to water his “garden”.

“go grease the relative bearing”

The joke is . . .
Relative bearing is a nautical term - the position of a vessel, navigational aid or such in relation to your vessel. So the victim should get an ear full from the chief engineer when they try to find out where on the ship they should applied the grease they are carrying.

“go blow out the sound powered telephone”

The joke is . . .
This is where naval heritage and modern communication clash. Most ships have modern communication between the compartments, but they also have a simple back up system which is there but seldom used. It’s called the sound powered telephone. This device which is very much like a telephone but with a built power supply is a far cry from the sounds tubes used to belch orders from the bridge in old war movies. Some older navy ships may still have them, and unless you’re on them, the victim will look silly looking for something to blow out.

“get the Bosun’s Punch”

The joke is . . .
The Bosun would gladly beat the crap out of some poor newbie who came by asking for an Bosun’s punch.

“get the skyhook”

The joke is . . .
Once again, there is no such thing. A sky hook is an utopian dream of where a block, tackle or anything else could be secured to. Can’t secure anything to thin air, so unfortunately, it’s just a wish. But it doesn’t hurt to send the new guy looking for it.

“you get the spark watch”

The joke is . . .
You assign the most eager beaver deck cadet to keep an eye on the ships funnel. This will keep the deck cadet busy up on top of the house. Be sure to give him a bucket of water and mop to put the sparks out as they leave the stack. It works best when it is raining. …you just never know when hot air is going to set a steel ship ablaze !

“go fill the port and starboard nav lights”

The joke is . . .
Obviously this one is gonna get your prey to ask, “huh ?” And at this time you state very officially that they need to take the green oil, and the red oil up on the bridge, then go fill the lenses of the nav lights on top of the bridge. Yeah I know, it’s a stretch, but the delivery is crucial for this joke to work.

“get me ten feet of shore line”

The joke is . . .
well… seems pretty obvious until your are new to the marine world where every piece of rope has a name, heaving line, spring lines, tie up line, rat line, etc. So it may be easy for the prey to be hesitant, especially if it sounds like an order from a superior.

“The long weight”

The joke is . . .
When a new “Tiff” joined our ship, one of the first things he was required to do was assist the Chief in calibrating some piece of equipment or other. It didn’t really matter what. At some stage, he’d be told to “nip down to the stores for a long weight.” The store man, of course, would nod sagely, and go and see if there was one to be had. Our “wet behind the ears” tiffy, you’ve guest it, was hanging around for ages. -He had gone down to the stores and got “a long wait”.

“Cooling Water/Steam for the Hand Rails”

Many senior cadets had many other junior cadets searching high and low for the valve to turn on the cooling water/steam for the Pipe hand rails. It was with great enjoyment we would watch some poor seasick fellow or gal wander all over that little vessel looking for the valve I believe that some are still searching for that valve.

“Go bilge fishing”

The joke is…
When cleaning the strainers, little critters and fish get into the bilge. When these critters get bigger, they can get into trouble and wreak machinery. So the cadet should hunt them down - well at least be a couple hours under the deck plates.

Crazy Bearings

One for an annoying deck officer (or just someone you dislike)…
Lift up one of the tile panels on the deck head of the persons cabin, begin to throw copious amounts of ball bearings on top of the remaining panels. Lower panel and exit cabin. Pray for bad weather and extreme rolling of the vessel… Sweet Dreams!!!

Calibration of the Radar

…get a newbee to dress out in tinfoil jacket and gloves and hat, send them to stand out on the bow lifting his arms every so often. Make sure to get pictures!


#2

hahaha…!

I’ve heard a bunch of those. We sent our PMI cadet on a quest for the “bulkhead straightener” He went to the EOS- then the bridge, then to the bosun, then the EOS again- back to the bridge…poor guy!:smiley:


#3

We sent a freshman down to EOS for a key to the sea chest. The engineers ran him around for a bit then sent him back up with a m/e piston ring with a little key at the bottom much to the mate’s surprise.

A cadet had been found to be consistently 30 degrees off course. Finally the mate, around dinner time, relieved him and sent him to the mate for the key to the closet where the relative bearing grease was kept. Well the cadet looked all over and found out he was in the officers mess. He went in to talk to ask the mate. The mate, pissed off at the cadet interrupting his meal, started to chew the kid out just for interrupting the meal. Finally, he finished and asked the cadet what he wanted. As all the officers and professors were watching the cadet asked for the relative bearing grease. I’m told they had a good laugh and then the kid got chewed out some more.

With the calibrating the radar, try first bring them over and showing them the screen with the gain all the way up. Send an accomplice out there to keep putting more tin foil on them. I’ve seen pictures of friends with tin foil swan necks on their heads.


#4

Don’t forget about sending the cadet to find Charlie Noble…


#5

Or the time the Electrician gave the new cadet a light bill…he lived in the dark for 3 weeks before he was “enlightened”…and that was NOT one of the ones that yours truly got stung with!


#6

[QUOTE=water;8467]Don’t forget about sending the cadet to find Charlie Noble…[/QUOTE]

Ok, I admit I had to look that one up: Who Is Charlie Noble?


#7

I remember the engineers sending a freshman to go look for a spool of “sun line” to sew up a ripped coveralls. They called me on the bridge so I was ready for him, and I sent him off in another direction. 45 minutes later, a staff officer found the kid in the aft paint locker…

On the other side, when I was a freshman, the engineers sent me for “plywood welding rods” to fix a broken broom handle. I went up on deck, took a break then stopped by the galley for some wooden shish-ca-bob sticks. Engineers thought it was funny! :slight_smile:


#8

[B]Charlie Noble
[/B]Charlie Noble is an “it,” not a “he.” A British merchant service captain, Charles Noble, is said to be responsible for the origin, about 1850, of this nickname for the galley smokestack. It seems that Captain Noble, discovering that the stack of his ship’s galley was made of copper, ordered that it be kept bright. The ship’s crew then started referring to the stack as the “Charley Noble.”


#9

While rolling away in the middle of the ocean, I was in the process of fixing a bracket for something or another to a bulkhead, assisted by the cadet. I send him away to get a spirit level, preferably a big one. Without hesitation he ran away…and came back with one of abt 1 mtr long.

Unknown to me the engineers had one in their workshop to be used as a gigantic ruler.

Still had fun seeing the poor guy trying to get the bracket level!


#10

I wrote about my favorite story in an article for Fairplay (read it HERE). Unfortunately you need a subscription to read it and (since I actually got paid to write it) I can’t re-post it here but if you’ve ever been buzzed by the Canadian Cost Guard on your way to Alaska you probably already know how this one played out.

Of note… I did not write the title!


#11

John,
:slight_smile: Only a tall ship sailor would know who Charlie Noble is.


#12

Well that would certainly explain my ignorance :wink:


#13

If you ever want to get an engineer just tap a chipping hammer outside his stateroom to the rhythm of the engine. If you get it just right he’ll think they blew a piston.

Not easy but well worth the effort.


#14

Since I’m on one of the last few steam ships running its always fun to send the new cadet down to the e/r for a bucket of steam


#15

[B]No Pants[/B]
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on!
So he goes up to his grandpa and says “Grandpa, do you realize that you’re not wearing any pants?” His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do."
Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?"
His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds “Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma’s idea.”


#16

We were in Spain taking on bunker and the Chief sent the jerk little freshman to the Captain’s cabin to get the gas card to pay for the bunker! The look on his face when he returned was priceless!


#17

Gave a deck hand some oil sample bottles and asked for wheel wash samples. I’ll never forget the chief balling him out because he had put water from the port wheel in the starboard bottle and vise-versa. The kid insisted that he had done exactly as ordered, but the chief said any dumb ass could tell the difference.
I’ve also seen a guy walk all the way back to the boat for the lock key. (the lock was a 1200’ foot long chamber on the upper Mississippi river). The mate told him that the pilot had it in the wheelhouse. When he got there the pilot told him that the chief had it yesterday. The Chief said that he gave it back to the Captain. So, the poor guy goes and wakes up the Captain, then the excrement hit the spinning blades.


#18

<center>

</center>Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.

The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”


#19

[quote=elianna;14510]<CENTER>

</CENTER>Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, “This is the place!”.

The other replied, “No, it’s not!”.

The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, “Silly, you can’t tell a brook by it’s clover.”[/quote]
A few years later they went to work on broke back mountain…


#20

In the old Navy it was great fun to send a sea-sick newbie down to Supply to get replacement “Sound Powered Phone Batteries.” If the guys in Supply were on the ball, they could route the dude to nearly every department looking for some. The question was how many times would he barf before he caught on. I won $55 in the pool one time on that!

Rich