<TABLE style=“WIDTH: 487.5pt; mso-cellspacing: 1.5pt” class=MsoNormalTable border=0 cellPadding=0 width=650><TBODY><TR style=“mso-yfti-lastrow: yes”><TD style=“BORDER-BOTTOM: #ebe9ed; BORDER-LEFT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-BOTTOM: 0.75pt; BACKGROUND-COLOR: transparent; PADDING-LEFT: 0.75pt; PADDING-RIGHT: 0.75pt; BORDER-TOP: #ebe9ed; BORDER-RIGHT: #ebe9ed; PADDING-TOP: 0.75pt”>[CENTER][CENTER][B]Missing that Bridge?[/B]
Deckies - here we go![/CENTER]
Missing the lovely Bridge and want to get back but can’t? Well, here is the perfect answer to everything, follow and enact and all will bring the Bridge to you in your own home instead of you having to join a ship!
[I]NB: Best day for exercise - a very, very, hot one![/I]
Go out to the next door neighbor and ask him to cut your hair with his garden shears! Afterwards bring back his rubbish and stock it inside your front door along with your own and try to create a nice smelly environment every time you walk past it. If you have a greenhouse in your backyard set up the bridge there. If you don’t then go to the room with the sunlight coming in and the largest windows in it!
[B]Equipment required:[/B]
[ul]
[li]One computer, any size and age. [/li][li]An alarm clock set to ring frequently or many alarm clocks! [/li][li]A can of oily substance and black of color. [/li][li]One heater if sunlight is not strong enough. [/li][li]One rocking Chair [/li][li]One Pair Binoculars [/li][li]One radio tuned in to some Spanish or French talk Show [/li][li]One large square of tin foil! [/li][/ul]Okay, first of all place the computer with the sunlight shining directly onto to it so that it is impossible to see the screen. Next switch on the heater so that the room/greenhouse becomes suitably stuffy and hot.
Now get one chair or leaning spot from which an Engineer might be expected to sit or complain from! Around this area liberally daub loads of the dirty oily substance (fingerprints, boot marks, etc.). Included in this area will be the alarm clock which will has been set to “ring” at frequent intervals. Place the large square piece of tin foil at the bottom of the garden with the sun shining on it!
Place the radio next to the computer and tune it in to some Serious Talk Show in some language that you have no hope of understanding. Turn it up loudly! Get two if you want in different languages - this will really bring it all flooding back! Okay, you are nearly ready to relive your memories in full!
[B]ACTION[/B]
First of all go and put on a nice White Uniform or failing that your favorite white shirt will do! Now go to the Kitchen and drink four cans of beer very quickly whilst stuffing your face with some corned beef and white bread!
Next go up to your bridge and sit in your rocking chair and violently throw yourself around for five minutes or so! After feeling slightly sick, get up and peer out of the window at the tin foil outside and using the binoculars. You may stand in the Engineers corner and suitably get your nice White Uniform covered in oily spots and marks!
After a suitable time and when the headache has built itself up to suitable proportions go to the computer and sit in the rocking chair, which you have now placed just next to it. Okay, switch the computer on and try and do some work or read something from the screen that you so obviously cannot read due to the sunlight shining on it. But do it anyway and rock yourself backwards and forwards whilst doing so. Spend at least half an hour trying desperately to see something on the screen before going back to the Engineers Corner and gaining some further marks on your nice white uniform and listening to the alarm bell ringing on and off all the time!
Feeling hot, sweaty, dirty and you have a massive headache? Utterly sick of the noise of the radio and the heat and sunlight giving you a massive headache? Fed up of the stench of decaying rubbish wafting up from downstairs? Good, the bridge setup is working. Okay, at least one hour of the four-hour watch has gone by.
Now repeat all, of the above, over and over again for a minimum of four hours! I guarantee that you should now feel totally at home and suitably refreshed as if you where on an actual ship and doing a normal watch!
[B]POSSIBLE ADDITIONS[/B]
Upon finishing the watch go to the kitchen and sink another four beers in rapid succession. Then try and make yourself something decent to eat and that will fit inside of two pieces of bread. Eg. Steak, Pork Chop, Lasagne, Macaroni, etc. Make sure to leave a big mess around! Then go to bed taking the alarm clock with you and have this ring at frequent intervals as soon as you fall asleep.
[B]AFTERWARDS[/B]
Take as many headache tablets or pills as you dare to try and clear up the throbbing ache that is taking you over! Once pills kick in, clean everything up real well before the wife gets back! Beg the next door neighbor not to say anything to your wife and possibly using cash as an incentive for his silence. Failing that, have some good story to tell you wife as soon as she comes home about the next door neighbor going mad!
Okay, finally before sitting your self down in front of the television and preparing for the wife’s return - try and get a decent haircut
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