Dirty Sailor Jokes

A sailor who has been out at sea for two months stops at a brothel. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The sailor replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old time’s sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up
to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, asks “How am I doing Darlin?”

The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about three
knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
She replies, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting
your money back.”

[QUOTE=“albertpachino;111812”]An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old time’s sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up
to a room.

He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, asks “How am I doing Darlin?”

The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about three
knots.”

“Three knots?” he asks, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
She replies, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting
your money back.”[/QUOTE]

True story, an America AB gets off a ship to go home in Singapore, he decides to get a room and a call girl. So the call girl shows and they are getting it on and she says “You so BIG” several times and the AB knows better and calls bs, she’s says “No No you HEAVY”

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

LMAO!!! Hysterical!

A ship sinks and the only surviving sailor washes up on a small island where he finds a married couple, also stranded.
After a few weeks the sailor is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, “I’d love to help you out but my husband wouldn’t stand for it, and as you know, it’s a tiny island with only one tree.” The sailor says, “It’s ok. I’ll think of something.” Every day they take turns climbing the tree to search the horizon for passing ships. One day it is the sailor’s turn and he looks down at the couple and yells,“Hey! Quit that fucking down there!” The married man is confused, because he’s sitting at least 10 feet away from his wife. The next day it’s the married man’s turn in the tree. After a while he looks down and thinks to himself, “Well I’ll be damned. It DOES look like they’re fucking from up here.”

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’

‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, it’s always been our dream to get married on a ship in the ocean, do you have any ships in heaven?’

St. Peter says “Yes we have ships but…” then he becomes red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.

‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find one priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a captain!?

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A 3rd mate is standing watch with an 30 year old AB everyone says is gay. About half way through the watch the AB accidentally drinks coffee from the mate’s cup, then apologies and hands it back. The mate takes a good look in the cup and notices some thick white stuff floating on top and with a worried look says “So I gotta ask, are you gay?”

“Yep” said the AB

“So you’ve given a guy a blowjob?”

“Yes”

“so when is the last time you blew a man?” asks the mate.

The AB replied, “2001”