A sailor who has been out at sea for two months stops at a brothel. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The sailor replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”
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An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks
once more for old time’s sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up
to a room.
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing
some reassurance, asks “How am I doing Darlin?”
The prostitute replies, “Well old sailor, you’re doing about three
knots.”
“Three knots?” he asks, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
She replies, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting
your money back.”
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True story, an America AB gets off a ship to go home in Singapore, he decides to get a room and a call girl. So the call girl shows and they are getting it on and she says “You so BIG” several times and the AB knows better and calls bs, she’s says “No No you HEAVY”
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A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
“You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. "Look, I’m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus he’s screwing me.”
“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”
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LMAO!!! Hysterical!
A ship sinks and the only surviving sailor washes up on a small island where he finds a married couple, also stranded.
After a few weeks the sailor is getting very horny. The married woman one day whispers to him, “I’d love to help you out but my husband wouldn’t stand for it, and as you know, it’s a tiny island with only one tree.” The sailor says, “It’s ok. I’ll think of something.” Every day they take turns climbing the tree to search the horizon for passing ships. One day it is the sailor’s turn and he looks down at the couple and yells,“Hey! Quit that fucking down there!” The married man is confused, because he’s sitting at least 10 feet away from his wife. The next day it’s the married man’s turn in the tree. After a while he looks down and thinks to himself, “Well I’ll be damned. It DOES look like they’re fucking from up here.”
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.
St. Peter said, ‘I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,’ and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn’t work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
‘Yes,’ he informs the couple, ‘you can get married in Heaven.’
‘Great!’ said the couple, ‘But we were just wondering, it’s always been our dream to get married on a ship in the ocean, do you have any ships in heaven?’
St. Peter says “Yes we have ships but…” then he becomes red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked the frightened couple.
‘OH, COME ON!’, St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find one priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a captain!?
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A 3rd mate is standing watch with an 30 year old AB everyone says is gay. About half way through the watch the AB accidentally drinks coffee from the mate’s cup, then apologies and hands it back. The mate takes a good look in the cup and notices some thick white stuff floating on top and with a worried look says “So I gotta ask, are you gay?”
“Yep” said the AB
“So you’ve given a guy a blowjob?”
“Yes”
“so when is the last time you blew a man?” asks the mate.
The AB replied, “2001”
wow, I forgot all about creating this threat. Here’s a new one
A sailor gets sloppy drunk and stumbles into hamburger joint and goes to the bathroom to take a piss. A little boy comes up and says “WOW! are you a real Sailor?”
“I sure am son do you want to wear my hat?” The boys says yes and starts marching around the place.
Minutes later, a marine walks in even drunker than the sailor, he whips it out and pinpoint pisses into the urinal.
The same little boy marches up and asks “WOW! Are you a real Marine?” The Marine says “I sure am kid, but back off unless you want people to think you suck d!ck”
The boy just says “NO SIR, I do not, I’m just wearing the hat!”
A navy officer is inspecting a merchant ship in port. He inspects the head and sees a merchant mariner pissing in the urinal. Mariner shakes it off and starts to walk out. The officer barks at him “at the Naval Academy, they taught us to wash our hands after we piss”. The mariner answers back “when I was a seaman the Bosun taught us not to piss on our hands”
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The sailor finally decides to get married. He and his future bride are having dinner and discussing goals, financial plans, and how they’ll spend his time ashore.
He decides the biggest question needs to be asked: “So, when I am home, how often do you want to have sex?”
The girl pauses, thoughtful, and replies: " Well, I suppose I would prefer infrequently."
The sailor sets down his knife and fork, “Well, is that one word or two? Because this may not work.”
1 Like
A true story from back in them days (1964):
The whaling fleet returned home after a long season in the Southern Seas. When they got into the North Sea the crews manage to make a call home by MF radio.
One of them tried very hard to find out where his wife would be in her menstrual cycle when he got home, without posting the question directly.
She was probably the only person in the entire NS basin that did not understand his hints.
He eventually did ask directly, which caused a lot of giggling from his wife, but still no answer.
Some sailors go to a whorehouse. Most of them have $100 saved up and get some nice girls. Bob only has $5 and asks the madam what he can get. She thinks about it and says “$5 isn’t much, but you can fuck a chicken if you want to”. Bob has been at sea for a long time and decides to go for it.
Later on back on the ship, he asks his buddy Tim what he did on shore leave. Tim said “I showed up at the whorehouse and only had $1.25. You what you get for $1.25? You get to watch through a peephole while some guy fucks a chicken”.
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