When I read this from ychangenow, I felt like I was hanging out with the AMC guys. Maybe that’s why Mariner 173 objected. Or maybe he just didn’t get it.
Demagoguery
Demagoguery is defined as the use of popular prejudices and false claims and promises in order to gain power.
We are one of you.
Although this statement makes no sense, it is a recommended mantra in ‘How to Build a Cult Following,’ the manual we in the AMC use as a guide for our campaign.
We model our campaign statements using the same approach. Nothing we say has to be true or make sense, as long as it makes AMO members feel we are their shepherds, and as long as it incites people to direct any anger and frustration they may feel about anything at all toward the incumbent AMO administration, with or without cause.
As recommended by our manual, we also liberally sprinkle our campaign statements with hot-button words like “Corruption.”
We are, of course, not aware of any corruption in the incumbent AMO administration. Our leader Jack Hearn even testified to this under oath. But, we have a belief. We believe if we spread enough preposterous rumors and employ enough incendiary words, we can convince AMO members there is a crisis of character and leadership at AMO.
We realize there is no crisis of character or leadership, but some of us are angry and our leader is obsessed, and everyone on our slate is very confused.
Over the past year, we have figured out the catastrophic crash of the investment markets had a devastating effect on the AMO pension plan and the majority of defined benefit pension plans in America. We have also received the many bulletins and articles explaining the precise effect the crash of the investment markets and other factors had on the AMO pension plan, its funding status, and what the plan trustees are doing to address these issues.
But we have made it our pension platform to refuse to absorb any of the information put forth by the AMO and the AMO plans to assist AMO members in understanding the circumstances of the AMO pension plan. We find it much easier and more politically advantageous to spread confusion, anger, division and misunderstanding.
We are proud of our leader Jack Hearn for hiding in his cabin and refusing to participate in an open discussion about the pension plan and the rehabilitation plan onboard his own ship with the rest of the ship’s officers when AMO officials and plans executives held a lengthy and informative meeting about the pension plan there. We are also proud of Jack for slinking away from an open debate with Tom Bethel and hiding behind his lawyer.
We have found it simple to make unattainable promises to AMO members about retirement benefits. If we’re elected, we’re pretty sure we can just blame the incumbent AMO administration when we come clean and tell AMO members that our pension promises are unattainable and would bankrupt the AMO pension plan.
Let’s face it, coping responsibly with a difficult situation and standing to the challenge of difficult questions and difficult decisions is really, well, difficult. It is much easier to throw around the phrase “Secret Agenda” about something of which we have no understanding. We encourage AMO members to believe the nationwide retirement crisis, the pension rehabilitation plan and the collapse of the investment markets are all part of a sinister plot perpetrated on the world by the incumbent AMO administration.
It was a big let down for us to learn about the actual status of the Mine Workers’ pension plan from the Why Change Now folks. We were convinced spending 15 minutes on Wikipedia would provide the perfect solution for the AMO pension plan. Besides, talking about Joe Connors and the glory days of trade unionism made it sound like we actually know something about organized labor and the history of union administration, and we had a lot of fun watching Jack play at being a labor historian.
We had to fall back. Fortunately, one of our slate mates knows the pension rates guaranteed to some public sector workers. So we decided to just promise AMO members what the most esteemed public sector workers have for a pension benefit. We hope AMO members don’t figure out the AMO pension plan is not a city, or a county, or a state, or a federal government, and that as a private sector benefit plan is not funded by an enormous number of taxpaying citizens.
We are glad the AMO rag keeps publishing construction updates and photos of the new headquarters building. These updates remind us to keep trying to convince AMO members that the new headquarters building was not approved by a majority vote of the membership in a union-wide referendum, even though it was. We have been disturbed to find an alarming number of AMO members actually keep up with what’s going on in their union. It has been very hard to convince an informed membership the democratic reforms established by the incumbent AMO administration didn’t take place.
We have been left with no choice but to lie about the cost of the building and tell AMO members it cost ten million dollars, when the true cost is less than half of that, and was more than covered by a well-timed real estate transaction. But, still, it sure does make some AMO members mad when you tell them it cost ten million.
We know our pension promises will drain the money from the pension plan sooner rather than later. We’re not sure what to do about that. Honestly, we think everything at the AMO will really start to come unspooled about six months after we take office. In fact, we’re not really sure why we’re running for office at all. None of us is remotely qualified or has any experience that would be relevant to managing a union. But some of us are angry and our leader is obsessed, and everyone on our slate is very confused. So we campaign on.
We haven’t been able to say much about contracts in our campaign. Everyone in AMO knows rank-and-file membership committees participate in all commercial contract negotiations since the Bethel administration took office, and AMO contracts and the union’s job base have continued growing steadily. But, we did discover the breakdown for employer contributions to each of the AMO benefit plans in every labor package drafted for an RFP is identified with the phrase “Confidential Contributions.”
We realize these “Confidential Contributions” are only kept “Confidential” from competing unions and companies bidding against AMO employers on government and military RFPs. But we cannot resist tossing around the phrase “Confidential Contributions” because it sounds almost as sinister as “Secret Agendas.”
So we have made our contract platform no more “Confidential Contributions.” We now realize that, when we release the “Confidential Contribution” rates, AMO military and government charter jobs will start flying out the window as fast as our credibility did in this campaign. In fact, it might create enough of a crisis that AMO members won’t notice how quickly our pension strategy is draining the fund.
In the meantime, we quietly call our supporters and encourage them to spread rumors and misinformation on the internet using several false identities each. This is a trick Jack learned from the former AMO official and convicted felon who served as Jack’s secret campaign advisor. It makes it seem like there are a lot of people agreeing about the outrageous rumors and lies we are spreading. We hope these supporters will continue saying AMO members should be afraid to ask questions. If we’re elected, we won’t be able to answer any. We certainly haven’t been able to during this campaign.
It will also be helpful to our campaign if Bruce Keller and our other online supporter keep saying the incumbent AMO administration is a “band of ballot burning thugs,” even though three members of the incumbent AMO administration were elected from the AMC slate in 2006, and one was elected from the AMC slate in 2008.
We do realize the absolute worst thing that has happened to the most vocal critics of the incumbent AMO administration was being invited to attend meetings of the AMO executive board and AMO plans trustees. In fact, this invitation was extended to Jack Hearn several times. But he has wisely locked himself in his cabin every time an opportunity to learn something about the union or the AMO plans has been presented.
We are secretly relieved the incumbent administration has done such a good job managing the union’s finances and assets, and that the income of the AMO is growing, the union’s operating expenses are falling, and all without any dues increase or any other burden on AMO members. Of course, we prefer to take line items from the LM-2 forms the incumbents have made readily available completely out of context and advertise the opposite in our campaign. We just have to avoid mentioning that the sharp temporary increases in AMO’s operating expenses over the past four years were caused by Jack’s failed lawsuit and the failed lawsuit brought by the former and disgraced AMO plans director, whose attorney consulted with Jack’s lawyers in an attempt to gain some legal edge over AMO.
But it is a relief to know the AMO treasury is in great shape because Jack’s lawyer will probably be expecting a PHAT payback for all these years of election campaigns and election complaints and the frivolous lawsuit brought against the union. We also expect the high-priced consultants we plan to hire to run the AMO for us will cost a lot of money. They wear really nice suits and drive Italian sports cars, so they must be good at something.
The actual thrust of our campaign is to pit maritime academy graduates against hawsepipers, and AMO members with lump sum pensions against everyone else in the union. But, we prefer not to draw attention to this agenda.
Instead, we continue to misinterpret the union’s LM-2 forms and spread misinformation about how much Tom Bethel and other AMO officials are paid. It is fortunate for our campaign that the Department of Labor requires some legitimate business expenses to be combined with salary in the Pay category for union officials, and that travel expenses are listed right next to that number. This makes it easy for us to add up the two numbers and come up with inflated dollar amounts that are much greater than the actual salary of any official. It has also been helpful that Bethel’s predecessor as AMO president rarely left the office on union business. So when we add Bethel’s travel expenses to the combined figure in the Pay category, it looks like he makes much more than his predecessor did.
Although it has been patiently explained that Tom Bethel takes only a 3% cost of living increase and his expenses are dictated by frequent travel across the country and around the world to meet with AMO members, shipping executives, government officials, and labor leaders to create new opportunities for the AMO membership, we stick to our guns and refuse to listen.
We have found it incites great anger and confusion when we share our inflated numbers and misinterpretations of the LM-2 forms with AMO members. After all, nothing makes people angrier than telling them elected officials make more money than they actually do, especially in a down economy.
Our campaign manual instructs us that spreading misinformation, anger and confusion will incite widespread mistrust and can eventually reduce even the sharpest and most reasonable group of people to a herd mentality. We are counting on it. We are counting on all of you. You need us to be your shepherds. Listen to our lies. Believe in our belief. Elect us to be your shepherds. Be good sheep, all of you, and support the AMC.
Signed:
The unfortunate paralegal in Osborne’s office who got stuck with the AMC campaign this time around
Disclaimer: the story above is satirical fiction.