Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


Prior to assuming my 1st watch on a Tug the Captain could tell that I was green and he said to me "You see bow and the stern, to which I replied yes sir and he said thats where they better be when I get up!

Capt. to new mate

You see that sh%t out there thats the F#%king water keep it out there not in here!!!


“Son, tug boating is a contact sport, thats why there are tires around the damn boat”


While docking the boat and after trying to explain to three ABs what to do the Captain says
"I’ve got a slow thinker, a no thinker, and one that doesn’t know".


“Damn it, Stanley! If you keep clogging up the shitter I’m gonna make you shit in a cardboard box behind the stack!” -and he did


While flapping his arms wildly and running down the deck, “Get the hell out of here you Goddamn shithawks!” -kinda had to been there but very funny at the time. First time I ever heard a sea chicken called a “shithawk”.


While standing a sea watch as an AB on a supply boat in the coonass navy the captain told me before he went to bed with a very thick cajun accent, “Wake me up when you see da light dat says,‘Bliiiiink, Blink’.”


On the stern of a yacht while taking a leak.

Skipper to new guy: “Welcome to the Pistol Club - Drink all day, piss till dawn.”


On a sail school yacht while the instructor gave a tour of the yacht and how the heads work: and that it is better to sit than stand:

Lads, even men sit while taking a leak on a small boat, cause their heading aint that true.


[QUOTE=OICUR12;44372]While standing a sea watch as an AB on a supply boat in the coonass navy the captain told me before he went to bed with a very thick cajun accent, “Wake me up when you see da light dat says,‘Bliiiiink, Blink’.”[/QUOTE]

Not to be out-coona$$ed…
Back in the ‘80s, after the Shell Norco explosion, there was a scramble to crew up a tug to move 225K bbl of cracking stock from Corpus to the River. As the regular pool of captains couldn’t make it in time for departure, we had a “temp”. The next three days proved to be the most grueling in my maritime career. And probably for the pilots also.
During the trip over, we encountered a pod of sperm whales, unusal but not unheard of in the Gulf. I mentioned during a meal that this was the second time I’d seen them. Of course the captain said he had seen them “7 or 6 times a year”. He went on to explain how the beluga whales had been "hunted almos’ to extinction for da caviar". I asked “don’t you mean beluga sturgeon”? I then mentioned somthing about whales being mammals and fish eggs used to make caviar. He then said “dat don’t mean nuttin, mammals can lay eggs, look at dat platypus duck dare”.
I then rembered some sound advice about never argue with an idiot as by-standers sometimes can’t tell who’s who…You can’t make this stuff up!


“Ah…the old lady…she don’t like you pulling out, but loves you coming in.”


“Easy there, kiddo. Nothin’ a little fiberglass repair won’t fix.”


“Paint comes in buckets, steel comes in shipyards”.
“Oh yeah, it’s moderating alright, you should have been here 5 minutes ago when that trash can was moderating it’s way across the wheelhouse”.
“Get your hands out of your pockets and do something”.
“I’m going below, if you have any problems, solve them”.


Years ago my Captain looked at me and said “If that boy is a fish spotter, I can build an Elgin watch…with a hatchet.”

I spit coffee all over the wheelhouse!


“I do my best work in zero vis. I can’t see my fu… ups.”


I didn’t know it but we have Jesus Christ on our boat this trip. We also have God dammit and Son of a Bitch. Sometimes Cap has a hard time keeping them strait so when he is talking about them in the wheelhouse it comes out in a string of profanity something like this,…“Jesus Christ…can’t throw a fu…in’ line to save his life. God dammit…just stand there and watch him! Son of a Bitch…put that fu…in’ coffee cup down and do somethin.”

Wonder who we’ll have next trip. These guys are pretty entertaining.

Hat’s off to the Skipper. He doesn’t cuss them directly but only if they could hear what was being said in the wheelhouse while they are on deck.

This captain is one of the best I have ever worked for. He is full of “funny shit”. I have started writing some of this stuff down as it comes out. I expect to be revisiting this page often this trip.


My personal favorites are.

Son, if you took your brain and put it on the edge of a razor blade it would roll around like a BB on a 4 lane highway

If I won 290 Million dollars, I would spend 280 million on woman and booze and the rest I’d blow.

[FONT=Verdana]I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup… She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.” [/FONT]


Some of us may remember before there were cell phones in everyones’ pocket we had to use the marine operator.

I guess this sea story falls under “funny shit the captain’s wife said”.

Listening to the conversations on the MRO channel was entertainment for the whole crew especially at night when you could hear for miles.

Conversation between a Captain and his wife…

Wife-“Are you gonna make it home for Thanksgiving?”

Capt-“No, probably not.”

Wife-“Are you gonna make it home for Christmas?”

Capt-“Christmas is a double pay day, Hon.”

Wife-“Well, I hope you’re gonna make it home for New Years because I am getting drunk and gettin some cock whether your home or not!”

Everyone in the wheelhouse was waiting for her to say her address over the air.


Maybe this sea story should be titled “Funny Shit the Coast Guard Said”.

I was on a sea watch one afternoon and I heard the coast guard hailing the sailing vessel “Blow Me”. The young Petty Officer on Ch 16 was trying his best to maintain his professionalism as he kept hearing himself broadcast the words, “Sailing Vessel ‘Blow Me’ this is the US Coast Guard on Channel 16.”


The captain came up to the wheelhouse the other evening needin to talk about his “Firey Red Head”.

She called him and was all messed up on that “Tater Juice and Cat Nip”.


present captain, 20+ year senior cheif, and 23 year tug boat captain…

goddamit son, ill put your head thru a plate glass window…

lets me tell ya some thing son…

you dont have the horse power you think you do…

gets up in the middle watch, as I’m comming along side a ship… (him)what are we doing(me)going to hell if we dont change our ways(him) goddammit, i knew that(me) docking this pile of rust(him) no shit, smart ass---- everynight this dialogue goes on.

but its a paycheck…