Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


“don’t go down there and break this up, I want to send them both to the house, besides I ain’t ever seen two grown women duke it out before!”


After hittinga bouy off the Coast of Marthas Vinyard on the RV Columbus Islen.

AB “We hit a rock!”

CMate " No no, rocks go crunch, bouys go boom."


Onboard the RV Wecoma during typhone Iniki. The Chief scientist came to the bridge insisting we go in so that he could get off the ship.

Captain responded:
“Son we were built for 2 of the 3 elements on earth, water and wind, its when we add rocks that things go very very bad, now shut up and go below.”



“Mr. Mate, never approach anything faster than your willing to hit it”.


Oh Bos’n Allen…

Anyone know how to make a black cat walk backwards on a white picket fence? :wink:


From a bosun, renowned for his verbal abilities:
-To a cadet who had gotten drunk the night before and shaved his head: “What happened boy? You let them do this to you? The boy looks like a damned bald-headed chicken f@#$er!”

-To a cadet who never had the right answer:
“Boy, you know why I wear knee-high waders? Because I know I’m going to have to wade through all your bullshit.”

-To a cadet with a poor excuse for being late on deck:
“The line’s too ratty, my hands hurt, I couldn’t get my cat to walk the picket fence backward and I was trying to train it. That’s why I’m late.”[/quote]


A female cadet was flirting with the captain to get shore leave. He ignored her fully until she stepped in front of him and flashed the doe-eye, damsel in distress look.

“My cadet I never noticed your beautiful brown eyes before”

“umm, Captain, they are blue”

“Check them again, I think you’re full of shit”


From Cap to training mate who seemed to have all the answers…“Boy, if you could run a boat the way you run your mouth, you would really be something”


“Is that a flinder’s bar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”


" It’s not gay if it’s underway"

“If you got time for leanin you got time for cleanin”


From a first tripper know nothing Aggie 3AE to the Captain of a supply boat after he had run the daytanks dry in the Mississippi River for the second time and the Captain (me) had reamed his ass, “Captain, you think you’re God don’t you?” Captain’s reply, “No son, I don’t think I’m God…you think I’m God”


The Captain of our tug posted the following above the toilet:

"At this company we aim to please…

…you should aim TOO, please"


While onboard a large container ship conducting my pre-transfer conference with the C/E prior to bunkering, I asked him if he would like to witness the opening gauges. To which he replied: “WITNESS THE GAUGES??? HAHAHAHAHA…[B]THIS IS AMERICA[/B]!!!”


“You have to be smarter than the tools your working with”
“The heat is in the tools”


From [U]Two Years Before The Mast[/U]:

“Now, my men, we have begun a long voyage. If we get along well together, we shall have a comfortable time; if we don’t, we shall have hell afloat. — All you’ve got to do is to obey your orders and do your duty like men, — then you’ll fare well enough; — if you don’t, you’ll fare hard enough, — I can tell you. If we pull together, you’ll find me a clever fellow; if we don’t, you’ll find me a [I]bloody [/I]rascal. — That’s all I’ve got to say. — Go below, the larboard watch!”

                                                       -Captain of the Brig Pilgrim, 1840


While working of Assist Tugs in N.Y. Harbor, I had the pleasure of knowing some fine Pilots and some down right stupid ones also. One old timer Deckhand put it the best when he said " Do you know the diffence between GOD and a Pilot? GOD knows he’s not a pilot". Never have truer words been spoken.


Didnt read the whole thread but in case no one else has posted it…

“Damn the topedoes! Full speed ahead!”


“Never take on a cargo that can talk.”


Back in the day…LNG skipper in his Night Orders : “Call me in sufficient time to witness my own collision. !”


Deckhand: Hey skipper can I get a break?

Skipper: You got a break when you got this job, get back to work!


[QUOTE=williwaw;41715]Back in the day…LNG skipper in his Night Orders : “Call me in sufficient time to witness my own collision. !”[/QUOTE]

Considering it’s an LNG he should have said “… in sufficient time for me to call my wife to say goodbye!”