Just before the end of the year I wanted to thank you for the e-mails you have forwarded over the year.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat poison in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft is sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died in testate…
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I can no longer buy gasoline without taking a friend along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I’ll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can’t even pick up the $5 I found dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I should never need to work again due to the generous offer of millions of dollars just for the time to go pick it up from the lawyer in Nigeria.
If you don’t send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will dump on your head at 5:00pm tomorrow afternoon and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
By the way…a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who don’t have enough sex, always read their forums and emails while holding their mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.