It’s really hard to look at someone with a straight face when they have foil wrapped around their hardhat!
Excellent! Now, a bit to the left and hold that spot…Yep, that’s it! Hold it, hold it…
My favorite was always sending them to get a Bosun’s Punch… but it’s hard to find a bosun today willing to give one!
Send him to the E/R for a gallon of bulkhead remover!
Get the keys to the sea chest! And grab that bucket of prop wash!
Bring me 10 fathoms of water line, and hurry up!!
I need a can of stripped paint. Go ask the chief for a quart of non-skid oil. Also, make sure he’s still working on that bucket of steam I asked him for. On that supply req, order a hose stretcher, and a couple of 3/8" nipple flange expanders. Once we get offshore, don’t forget to stop by and check the mail buoy.
Go down to the engine room to feed the gland seals and then go up to the wheelhouse to water the compass rose. On the way, stop by the captain’s room to get the credit card to pay for the fuel.
Almost forgot, the batteries for the sound powered phone.
We also need a bottle of non-conductive water to clean the breaker panel. Don’t forget to go boat to boat asking for a can of run-around.
Forgot the relative bearing grease in the EOS?
We had some fun coming up with pirate watch, here’s the story:
First the mate drew a line on the ECDIS labelling it “Pirate Waters” then remarked to the new guy on watch “you better go darken ship”.
New guy: How do we darken ship?
Mate: First crank down the foremast so they don’t see our running lights then grab some freeboard and duck tape it to the portholes.
New Guy: Anything else?
Mate: Yeah, that freeboard sometimes gets wet so ask the bosun to rubb out a few layers of seaman stain.
–30 Minutes Later–
New Guy: “The bosun says he’s got plenty of Seaman Stain on hand but we’re running low on freeboard. He was laughing, is this a joke?”
Mate: “No, no worries, I’ll talk with the Bosun. Just sign the Peedo File log then go inventory the piracy watch kit. Here’s the checklist:”
PIRACY WATCH KIT
6 chemlights with batteries
1 Fallopian tube for the sound powered phone
1 Left handed binocular & 1 Right handed binocular
1 Flatulence-Powered Fog Horn w/ tuning pipe
6 S.B.D. Gas Bombs
6 Dead Reckonings
1 Box of matches for the warning flares
1 Long weight & a steep learning curve for the [I]Gig line[/I]
12 Radar Contacts
50 calibers for the machine gun
And the gun report (w/ clipboard, pen and waterline eraser)
New Guy now staring at the list: “We have a machine gun!?”
Mate: "No, you’re just a ‘dummy’ "
New Guy:“You mean the gun’s just a dummy”
Mate: “That too!”
New Guy: “I get it, you’re pulling my leg!”
Mate: Yep (with a smile) just messing with you, we can sail this ship right around that pirate zone. Just do me one favor and wind the brass magnet in the gyro compass, I don’t want us to fall off course."
Also… while standing watch with a new guy years back I referred to the Captain by his first name (as everyone did). The kid warned me to address the captain by his official title “Master” and to use his last, not first name.
I said I didn’t even know the captain’s last name, he prefers his first. The kid flashed me a serious look and said: “The Chief Engineer said the ‘Master’s’ last name is ‘Bates’ and that I’d better stop jerking off and get it right or he’d have me cleaning spark plugs with prop wash!’” (the ship engine was a Diesel).