Ok all you nefarious sailors who’ve ever taken revenge on the mate, chuef, old man or baker. Let’s hear how you got screwed and what you did to return the favor.
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The baker?? Man that’s the last person I’d ever screw with.
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Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Seaman #1 was caught stealing scrap metal and was immediately informed that once the vessel was dockside he would be released. While heading in, Seaman #1 took his time strategically placing various nuts, bolts and other misc objects ibto the overhead of each level.
Being as this was my second hitch offshore on any style of boat, the next time it was a little choppy offshore, it sounded like the whole boat was coming apart.
Under the influence of liquor and the Christmas time atmosphere the captain said to his Chinese steward: ‘Dear Lee, from now on I will treat you in a fair and decent manner. I am sorry for my bad behaviour.’ The steward was visibly moved and said: ‘Dear Captain, thank you very much for your kindness. From now on I promise that I will not piss in your soup anymore,’
In Pidgin English that probably would have been: ‘Me savvy. Me no piss in captains soup.’
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In the Navy our chief of the boat was a real prick for a long list of reasons. The only treadmill was in the engine room and after using it he left his radiation meter on the machine. His meter was taken to a known hotspot along the aft bulkhead of the reactor compartment and left there to simmer before being returned. Since he was a Forword Area Guy, his radiation limits were much lower than us engineers so after his next monthly reading he got scolded and was forbidden to come to the engine room.
Of course I only heard about this happening. …
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Same asshole chief of the boat who decided to punish one of the enlisted engineers (sideburns too long or some such shit) by having him be the mess hall assistant. Well coincidentally the next day his fork (which is laid out by the mess hall assistant) was mysteriously dipped in Dave’s Insanity Sauce prior to him using it. An added bonus was that apparently the COB was allergic to spicy foods and spent the next several hours puking his guts up.
Couldn’t have happened to a more deserving guy
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Nah. …the SA is the one not to mess with. …that dude has access to your toothbrush
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One old Coastal Tug did not have A/C but the Captain and Mates rooms had a venturi setup from the ER Intake Blowers which would draw cool air in if a Porthole was cracked open.
Well, this one Skipper was a real Prick so I installed a hidden switch that would reverse the rotation of the blower. This would blow all the hot air into his room. I did this all Summer and he never caught on. LMAO!
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I was Chief on a Hawser Boat and the Captain and I only agreed on one thing, we hated each other.
So, we had a Deckhand that was a really great worked but just was not that swift, so I used to go out and help the DH’s all the time until this Captain told me not to or he would report me for working “Out of Department” without permission.
We were getting ready to put a Oil Barge on the Hawser and we had to use our Wire Brideles. The Deckhand had everything made up on the stern. This Tug had a Center Kleat on the stern and the DH had rigged everything forward of the kleat. I tried to yell to the Captain but it was too late and we parted one of the brideles. After we got everything straightened out the Captain told me to stay off of “His Deck”.
Fast Forward a couple of weeks and we are doing the same evolution with the same Captain and DH, I walked over to the Captain and said you might want to check how it was rigged. He looked at me and said “I already did and it’s fine”. With that he came ahead with both engines and the hawser started paying out. He looks at with a smirk on his face and said see it’s fine. So I looked right at him and said the DH never shackled the Hawser to the Chain on the H-Bits! The Captain looked down just as the end of the Hawser whipped over the Stern.
I wont say what he said to me when I asked if he wanted me to help get the Hawser back onboard. I knew he would never ask me to help because that would put me on OT. Once he cooled down I did go out and help anyway.
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Sorry, you’re wrong for two primary reasons:
- I can rinse off my toothbrush but I can’t rinse out cream filling from my donut!
- The baker works nights.
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The best revenge are always simple, transparent and impossible to discover. For that reason my favorite revenge was always the words “Yes, sir!”
I was working Chief Mate in India. We had this one Scottish Captain who hated his fellow Scottsmen and thought of himself as an English lord. The man wore white cotton gloves everywhere and whenever he got the slightest bit of dirt on them he’d burst into my office hold the gloves inches from my face and yell in a high pitched whine “You continue to fail in my orders to degrease this ship you contentious wanker!” And this was aboard a 40 year old drillship!! I shit you not this guy could have given Captain Morton a real run for his money. Even (actually… especially) his fellow countrymen hated him.
Well the CEO of the client company was married to the Bollywood equivalent of Angelina Jolie and the old man was a HUGE fan of Bollywood theatricals. The CEO called one Monday and said he was brining his wife for a tour of the ship that Friday… the old man got really excited and asked me to “throw a fresh coat of paint the Main Deck” for her royal visit. I said no problem, I’ll get the bosun started on the embarkation area next to the helideck. The Captain turned like Dr. Jekel at me and screamed “I said the whole fuckin Main Deck!” to which I responded “YES SIR!”
I called the bosun immediately and passed on my instructions to open every can of storm grey in the paint locker and roll it down the entire 534 feet of maindeck, both sides! The bosun (an American) started laughing but I gave him the “shut the fuck up Boats, I’ll tell you more later” look. The Captain beamed with excitement and disappeared into his cabin for 4 days.
Friday morning he appears again wearing some sort of British naval uniform (you just can’t make this shit up!) and announces he was “inspecting the deck”. He walked bow to stern beaming with pride and happyness and showered me and the bosun with praise for the work we had done. Then,he stood by the helideck awaiting her arrival.
We had literally painted over everything with huge deck mops (what else could we do?) including grease filled holes in the deck for tie down points. Well when Angie walked down that deck her high heel fell into one of those hidden holes and she tipped forward like the back end of the titanic and plunged head first into the steel deck.
Monday morning the captain came to my office all nervous. He said the marine manager (another American) balled him out over the phone and told him the visit was a major fuck up and if he screwed up one more thing he was getting a one way ticket to the house!
Then the old man said I better do a though job and be danm sure I was caught up with all my paperworks and reports due in to the office!
“YES SIR” I said and submitted the one piece of paperwork I was overdue in sending… a requisition order to replace the paint and supplies we used. A $621,000 requisition order! One I knew, would sink the manager’s upcoming yearly performance bonus.
The captain signed that order without looking at it and late in the afternoon a choper landed with a cargo of one irate marine manager! The man stormed up to El capitan’s cabin, grabbed him by the collar and pointed to the smallest shittiest fishing boat nearby and yelled “Get your ASS aboard that Fuckin boat NOW!”. I never saw the captain again.
And that is my best revenge story… and all I ever did to pull it off was say “Yes Sir!”
P.S. The marine manager then stormed into my office demanding to know why I had “let that prick do something so stupid!” Luckily the bosun we had was funny as hell and did an amazing impression of the old man… the manager left my office with tears running down his cheeks and never said another word about the whole thing.
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Yeah I guess that’s true for a traditional baker. I guess I was applying my experience with the steward/“bakers” at my company. …they barely work at all (damn sure not at night) and wouldn’t know what a rolling pin looked like
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In a vessel sailed in the national sweepstake results were pinned to the noticeboard every Sunday morning by the radio officer.
One morning someone noticed that a pain in the arse crew member had left his sweepstake ticket on his desk. They copied the numbers and substituted the true sweepstake results with his numbers.
It was truly spectacular! He was up in the skipper’s ear demanding a helicopter and much else.
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You don’t happen to be be referring to this Drill ship, do you??:
http://www.shipspotting.com/gallery/photo.php?lid=752681
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That’s the one! Why are you Scottish 
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Photo by Captain John K…
One word: Phenolpthalein.
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No, not Scottish but a Singapore - Norwegian, whatever is best.
I found one of my own picture of the 534, but after she changed name to Helix 534.
Here she is, having the indignity of being carried on the deck of Mighty Servant 1, leaving Singapore for USA Sept. 2013:
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Heard a good one the other day:
Two shipmates shared a cabin on a tug. One was going home on vacation and thought it would be funny to leave an un-flushed deuce in the the head, just as a joke. The deuce was noticed by the poor soul remaining on board. There had been a delay getting the gangway down, and he knew his mate’s seabag was on deck ready to go. He cut the shape of a handgun out of aluminum foil and placed it in a paperwork folder that was inside the seabag. At airport security there was quite a delay. Once they finally found the “gun”, deucey boy knew he’d been had.
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Heard of some old school deep-sea cooks… If you pissed them off too much they would have some special glass that was ground down basically to dust. And then they would sprinkle some glass “dust” into a special plate for whoever pissed them off. Supposed to make you crap blood for a few days & hurt real bad as well… Is it just a sea-story or the real deal?
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