A Chief Engineer decides to take his wife and mother-in-law to the holy land to see the holy sites. A week into the trip, his mother-in-law suddenly passes away. So he asks the tour guide, “Can you look into the costs of sending her back to the States versus having her buried here?” Later that day the tour guide returns, “Sir, you can have her buried here for a thousand dollars or you can send her back to the States, but it will cost you ten thousand dollars. What do you want to do?” With some thought the Chief answers, “I want to send her back to the States.” The tour guide is confused and asks, " Sir why would you do that? It costs so much more?" The Chief quickly replies, “My friend, years ago you people buried a man here. Three days later, he rose from the dead…I just can’t take that chance.”
What’s the difference between business and pleasure? … THE GRIP
What is another name for a siphoning hose? …Texas Credit Card
What is Alaskan foreplay? … A gallon of whishkey and 12 hours of begging
One captain I sailed with was a micro manager. He’d also work himself into a frenzy worrying about stupid shit. We were on a run between NO and Tampa for a while. I was hard pressed to keep up with maintenance on the short run. Before we departed NO, we stopped by a shipyard to replace a cargo pump motor. After we cleared S/W Pass, the captain informed me that the electricians didn’t show up to finish the job. He said, ”I told the office you could finish wiring the motor. Can’t you??” I said “probably”. I could see him starting to worry. The next day he pestered me at length about wiring the motor. I mentioned OPA90 hours. He started going into frenzy mode. Later that afternoon, the DEU was giving me a hand with the motor. Unbeknown to us, the captain was on the catwalk above us watching the operation. When the DEU opened the peckerhead on the motor and pulled the wires out, I said “geeze, where do all of these wires go”? We heard the captain cussing and stomping off. The DEU said “we couldn’t have timed that any better if we had planned it”. 45 minutes later with the rotation correct on first connection, I radioed the captain that the motor was on line. “So soon?! Are you sure it wired correctly!” he asked? “Probably” I said. He worried all through the next discharge….
My first deep sea job was in the engine room, new to the industry it was my turn to learn something so I kept quiet. Hoping to pick up on all the workings of an engine room and the ship in general, I didn’t tell anyone of my background, and it didn’t matter that anyone knew anyway out here I was green. The 1st was a nightmare to work for, especially liked whipping on wipers which really didn’t bother me because I can let shit roll off my back like water. But one day he went too far and approached as I was washing a bulkhead behind the turbo-chargers, I figured that since it was just the two of us this was going to get good and was also my chance to slow him down some too. He opened up " didn’t your mother ever tell you how to clean?" it was just too much to pass up, so I turned to him and said “no she didn’t, she taught my sisters how to clean. my job was to keep the two chest freezers full of meat, my dad kicked my ass if i wasted an ounce of meat, so I always made head shots.” he never bothered me again, and we became more respectful of each other sharing jokes and stories. As payback he told me a joke about this guy who kept pestering a farmer to take him bird hunting, he was unrelentless until the farmer finally gave in. A duck flew high overhead and they both took a shot while standing next to each other out in the field. Down comes the duck and an argument starts over who’s duck it was. The farmer says " tell you what, since this is my land, we will settle this my way", “we will kick each other in the nuts and whoever to gets up in the least amount of time wins the duck.” the pest says “ok you go first since it is your land.” So the farmer kicks him, down he goes in terrible pain but jumps back up and looks at his watch…“eight seconds…eight seconds, now it’s my turn.” The farmer smiles at him and says “you can HAVE the duck”
I am a mate. The Chief and I are in the EOS, I am signed into the network and we are working in the ships pm program. Chief manages the whole program. Keep in mind we are a real tight crew and I went to school with 3 of the engine officers. I get some nutty call from the old man over the radio that I barely hear and more or less run out of the EOS without signing out of the computer. 3 days later I get a very odd email from my mom saying she supports whatever choices I make and so on. I am wondering WTF this is all about??? It is now a month before I go home to get married too. I check my sent emails and open up a winner. The 1st and the Chief composed an email on my account, they thought they were sending to my fiance(who they both know) essentially telling her I have been living a lie, I am in love with a man I met out here and the wedding is off and I will not be home. First I call my fiance and she cracks up laughing out loud and telling me I have to call my mom immediately and tell her it was a cruel joke not meant to be delivered to her. My mom was not amused, she never told my dad. Pretty solid work by the engine department.
[QUOTE=Skiing Salem Sailor;100255] The 1st and the Chief composed an email on my account, they thought they were sending to my fiance(who they both know) essentially telling her I have been living a lie, I am in love with a man I met out here and the wedding is off and I will not be home. First I call my fiance and she cracks up laughing out loud and telling me I have to call my mom immediately and tell her it was a cruel joke not meant to be delivered to her. My mom was not amused, she never told my dad. Pretty solid work by the engine department.[/QUOTE]
Oh my Gawd, that’s fucking awful - I love it. 
[QUOTE=injunear;100185]One captain I sailed with was a micro manager. He’d also work himself into a frenzy worrying about stupid shit. We were on a run between NO and Tampa for a while. I was hard pressed to keep up with maintenance on the short run. Before we departed NO, we stopped by a shipyard to replace a cargo pump motor. After we cleared S/W Pass, the captain informed me that the electricians didn’t show up to finish the job. He said, ”I told the office you could finish wiring the motor. Can’t you??” I said “probably”. I could see him starting to worry. The next day he pestered me at length about wiring the motor. I mentioned OPA90 hours. He started going into frenzy mode. Later that afternoon, the DEU was giving me a hand with the motor. Unbeknown to us, the captain was on the catwalk above us watching the operation. When the DEU opened the peckerhead on the motor and pulled the wires out, I said “geeze, where do all of these wires go”? We heard the captain cussing and stomping off. The DEU said “we couldn’t have timed that any better if we had planned it”. 45 minutes later with the rotation correct on first connection, I radioed the captain that the motor was on line. “So soon?! Are you sure it wired correctly!” he asked? “Probably” I said. He worried all through the next discharge….[/QUOTE]
PERFECT ~
Was your ship on the NORCO - TAMPA round robin?
[QUOTE=Sweat-n-Grease;100268]PERFECT ~
Was your ship on the NORCO - TAMPA round robin?[/QUOTE]
We were running from Meraux to Tampa. BUT years before, after the cat cracker blew up at Norco, we were on a run carrying cracking stock from Corpus Christi to Norco. A new cook showed up and bragged about being married to Drozak’s(union president) niece. He was shocked that we were not impressed. One of the AB’s told him to insure easy passage at the security gate at Shell Norco to be sure to bring a couple of pies or plates of pastries to the ladies at the gate every day we were in port. He was also advised to imbibe in moderation as they would refuse to allow him on the dock. The next evening, a couple of us walked up to have a beer. The cook was in the joint and very much inebriated. We warned him but he assured us he was a big boy and invoked the name of Frank Drozak. An hour or so later, we were going through security when the guard said “look at this asshole”!! She pointed to the monitor showing our cook trying to scale the fence next to the barge. He was tangled up in the razor wire bleeding profusely. She said, “get that drunk bastard before he bleeds to death and I have to fill out a shit load of paperwork”!! He was a sad looking sight as we got him untangled. He was perplexed that the crew expected him to put out a meal the next day in his condition. He vanished on arrival in Corpus Christi.
When I was sailing as the assistant, and relief chief on one of the ATB’s I worked on years ago. We had just got both the tug and the barge back in the water off drydock. while in the yard, someone from corporate decided that they were going to change the color of the barges to save money. The company colors used to be red hulls, so they decided that painting the barge black would save them money, because the paint was cheaper. I was the one that brought both out of the shipyard. The senior chief on the boat gets on, the night before we were leaving on a trip to Odessa Ukraine. I guess no one ever told him that they changed the color of the hull while he was off (I know I never did). This guy very rarely left the galley, and even more rare to find him in the engine room, and never outside on the deck. A big part of the reason he wound up getting fired a short time later. After a long ride across the Atlantic, the Med,and the Black sea, we arrive in Odessa. The night the chief goes to town, he doesn’t come back till the next morning, still hung over I guess. The captain calls me upstairs to watch this guy walking up and down the dock in about 3 feet of snow looking for the boat, because he didn’t realise the color change. We let him walk in the snow for a good while, hung over and getting madder by the minute because he can’t find the boat, before sending a deck hand down to get him. We all had a good laugh about it, He was less than amused.
[QUOTE=injunear;100303]We were running from Meraux to Tampa. BUT years before, after the cat cracker blew up at Norco [/QUOTE]
I was on vacation in NOLA when NORCO went BANG, and THAT was some bang. I was on my Harley, pulled over and took a good look around. Several pick-ups pulled along side of me. All asked, WTF was that? “Whatever it is I hope it doesn’t come back,” was my reply.
About your shipmate, no matter how much he was disliked, his being “tangled up in the razor wire bleeding” is not something I would see as funny.
[QUOTE=ChiefRob;100305]When I was sailing as the assistant, and relief chief on one of the ATB’s I worked on years ago. We had just got both the tug and the barge back in the water off drydock. while in the yard, someone from corporate decided that they were going to change the color of the barges to save money. The company colors used to be red hulls, so they decided that painting the barge black would save them money, because the paint was cheaper. I was the one that brought both out of the shipyard. The senior chief on the boat gets on, the night before we were leaving on a trip to Odessa Ukraine. I guess no one ever told him that they changed the color of the hull while he was off (I know I never did). This guy very rarely left the galley, and even more rare to find him in the engine room, and never outside on the deck. A big part of the reason he wound up getting fired a short time later. After a long ride across the Atlantic, the Med,and the Black sea, we arrive in Odessa. The night the chief goes to town, he doesn’t come back till the next morning, still hung over I guess. The captain calls me upstairs to watch this guy walking up and down the dock in about 3 feet of snow looking for the boat, because he didn’t realise the color change. We let him walk in the snow for a good while, hung over and getting madder by the minute because he can’t find the boat, before sending a deck hand down to get him. We all had a good laugh about it, He was less than amused.[/QUOTE]
I can’t imagine why, can you?
The captain and mate were upstairs arguing about sex, the mate was trying to tell the captain sex was pleasure, the captain insisted that as hard as it was to please his wife it has to be work, not pleasure. As the argument grew more intense they called down and asked the chief engineer and AB to come upstairs and give their opinion. After both the captain and mate told the chief their side of the story. The chief looks at the captain and say’s well sir I have no doubt that sex is pleasure. The captain gets mad and wants to know WHY? The chief real calmly looks at him and say’s well sir because if it was actually work, you would have me or the deck hand doing it for you.
When is an Engineer his smartest? Before, during or after sex?
During…because he’s plugged into a know-it-all.
[QUOTE=Sweat-n-Grease;100307]About your shipmate, no matter how much he was disliked, his being “tangled up in the razor wire bleeding” is not something I would see as funny.[/QUOTE]
You just had to be there.
If we were given dispensation for hangovers and stupid stunts, that tug would never have sailed!
On that same tug, our regular cook was a fantastic cook and baker. He was 6’3" and 300lbs and openly gay. My asst engineer was very good but could piss off the Pope. He and the cook would get into a heated argument at least once a day. One day after noon watch change, I was sitting in my room and could hear them arguing over the mains. The deck crew cleared out of the galley. My asst said “Get your faggot ass on the back deck!” The cook grabbed him by the throat, picked him up and pinned him in the corner. He said, “boy, you " ain’t gonna make it to the back deck!” Things cooled down and the asst came into my room with a hand print around his throat. I said “you’re lucky that cook didn’t kill you”. He said “but he’s gay!” I said “a gay guy that reaches 45 years old in a East Texas sawmill town has to be tough.” He said “I’m going to the captain to file on this”. I said "I can see the report now…asst eng gets spanked by gay cook! After a pregnant pause, he says “I’ll see if the cook and I can work this out”…
I’m speechless ~
Man - THAT would make a great book.
[QUOTE=ChiefRob;100305]When I was sailing as the assistant, and relief chief on one of the ATB’s I worked on years ago. We had just got both the tug and the barge back in the water off drydock. while in the yard, someone from corporate decided that they were going to change the color of the barges to save money. The company colors used to be red hulls, so they decided that painting the barge black would save them money, because the paint was cheaper. I was the one that brought both out of the shipyard. The senior chief on the boat gets on, the night before we were leaving on a trip to Odessa Ukraine. I guess no one ever told him that they changed the color of the hull while he was off (I know I never did). This guy very rarely left the galley, and even more rare to find him in the engine room, and never outside on the deck. A big part of the reason he wound up getting fired a short time later. After a long ride across the Atlantic, the Med,and the Black sea, we arrive in Odessa. The night the chief goes to town, he doesn’t come back till the next morning, still hung over I guess. The captain calls me upstairs to watch this guy walking up and down the dock in about 3 feet of snow looking for the boat, because he didn’t realise the color change. We let him walk in the snow for a good while, hung over and getting madder by the minute because he can’t find the boat, before sending a deck hand down to get him. We all had a good laugh about it, He was less than amused.[/QUOTE]
Wait. An ATB chief that rarely went into the engine room? Geez, how many engineers onboard? I guess he wasn’t a watch stander. . . oh, great story, though. Hell, there were times I got so drunk in Tampa that the only way I could find the boat was by the sound of the DD generators. . . . .staggering across tank dams, and under shore pipelines. Obviously in the days of lax security - oh, and my heavy drinking days, too. . .
[QUOTE=cmakin;100595]Wait. An ATB chief that rarely went into the engine room? Geez, how many engineers onboard? I guess he wasn’t a watch stander. . . oh, great story, though. Hell, there were times I got so drunk in Tampa that the only way I could find the boat was by the sound of the DD generators. . . . .staggering across tank dams, and under shore pipelines. Obviously in the days of lax security - oh, and my heavy drinking days, too. . .[/QUOTE]
Well if you remember Raul do I need to explain anymore? That was a fairly miserable trip just me and him. I remember the captain calling the office once to report a fire in the engine room. The operations manger say holly cow is Raul OK? The captain says I think you misunderstood I said we had a fire in the engine room, I didn’t say nothing about the TV lounge blowing up.
[QUOTE=ChiefRob;100611]Well if you remember Raul do I need to explain anymore? That was a fairly miserable trip just me and him. I remember the captain calling the office once to report a fire in the engine room. The operations manger say holly cow is Raul OK? The captain says I think you misunderstood I said we had a fire in the engine room, I didn’t say nothing about the TV lounge blowing up.[/QUOTE]
Don’t think I remember Raul, or may not have met him or paid attention. Was this on the SKIMMER or another one? Hell, I can barely remember who my last relief was on there. Richard comes to mind, but we were all laid off at the last minute, and I can’t for the life of me remember if he was let go before that. I do like that joke, though. Pretty standard Tug engineer one. . . .
[QUOTE=cmakin;100614]Don’t think I remember Raul, or may not have met him or paid attention. Was this on the SKIMMER or another one? Hell, I can barely remember who my last relief was on there. Richard comes to mind, but we were all laid off at the last minute, and I can’t for the life of me remember if he was let go before that. I do like that joke, though. Pretty standard Tug engineer one. . . .[/QUOTE]
No that was on the “Invincible” probably in 96 maybe a year before or after, can’t remeber exactly been so long ago. I figured you had to deal with him when you was with class.
[QUOTE=ChiefRob;100615]No that was on the “Invincible” probably in 96 maybe a year before or after, can’t remeber exactly been so long ago. I figured you had to deal with him when you was with class.[/QUOTE]
Oh, he may have been onboard, but in general, I didn’t deal much with the Chief if there is a superintendent assigned to the survey. In general, unless there is an engineer that really took charge of a survyey, they weren’t to memorable. When I was down in Galveston, I often was carrying out surveys on three different vessels (or rigs) in a day, and even with long surveys like Specials or dry dockings, etc., it was fairly hard to remember the individuals onboard unless I already knew them, or at least saw them fairly regularly. An engineer that stayed largely in the lounge wasn’t too likely to accompany me on a survey. That would involve work and knowledge of the plant/vessel. . .