I commissioned my HR department to do a study on the hazing rituals of OSV Mariners. It was discovered the young third mate is the most ridiculed and harassed member of the bridge team. I thought what better way for him to hold his head high than to give him a better title. This of course would upset the other mates so I decided to make everyone a captain. This is similar to the process of giving each person on a little league team a participation trophy. In this day and age everyone is so litigious you mustn’t upset someone’s delicate sensibilities as to their station in life.