Trouble is a relative term and so much depends on our old friends time, place and circumstance. But yes it’s possible to experience discomfort if not actual trouble based on entries alone. My only one instance of this came with a very nice PSC inspector who noted the names of the tanks I was using in the ORB did not match the names class had typed in the tables at 3.1 and 3.2 of the IOPP. Seems we were using the traditional / common names of the tanks in use on the ship but this did not match what the surveyor had recorded when setting up the IOPP cert.
She did not make a big issue (non conformity) of it but the combination of disappointment and compassion in her demeanor served to educate me to take the time and give a closer read of the sample entries and the regulations. One practical solution is to record the specific names of the tanks from the IOPP tables to the inside front cover of your ORB (some commercial versions of the book even give space for this) for reference so all are using the proper names. Don’t try to invent a better or more logical way to record things in the ORB than what they have specified. They (PSC)don’t care, petition IMO if you like wizzing up a rope.
As to the note taking scheme I say whatever works is fine in your talley-book. You seem to have the basics covered in your table and should be able to construct a proper ORB entry from that. For a sludge tank to sludge tank transfer (table 3.1) you record what “remains” in the tank it came from and “the total in” the tank transferred to as well as the amount so you’d want to account for that in your system. It seems the sounding and comment field should work for that though with a before AND after sounding of at least one of the tanks.