Does this sound like a licen…excuse me!, a Merchant Mariner’s Credential renewal to any one?
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This is an actual letter sent to the then DFAT (Department of Foreign
Affairs and Trade) Minster, The Hon Alexander Downer and the then
Immigration Minister, The Hon Amanda Vanstone. The Government tried
desperately to censure the author, but got nowhere because every legal
person who read it nearly wet themselves laughing!

Dear Mr. Minister,

I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that K-Mart has my address and telephone number, and knows that I
bought a television set and golf clubs from them back in 1997, and yet the
Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand?

My birth date you have in my Medicare information, and it is on all the
income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 40 years. It is also on my
driver’s licence, on the last eight passports I’ve ever had, on all those
stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed
off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census
forms that I’ve filled out every 5 years since 1966.

Also… would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my
mother’s name is Audrey, my father’s name is Jack, and I’d be absolutely
f*cking astounded if that ever changed between now and when I drop


I apologize, Mr. Minister. But I’m really pissed off this morning.
Between you and me, I’ve had enough of all this bullshit!

You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f*cking
address!! What the hell is going on with your mob? Have you got a gang
of mindless Neanderthal arseholes working there!

And another thing, look at my damn picture… Do I look like Bin Laden? I
can’t ev en grow a beard for God’s sakes. I just want to go to ffice:smarttags" /><?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com<ST1:place w:st=“on”>New
Zealand</ST1:place></st1:country-region> and see my new granddaughter. (Yes, my son interbred with a Kiwi
girl). And would someone please tell me , why would you give a shit
whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the
urge to do something weird to a sheep or a horse, believe you me, I’d sure
as hell not want to tell anyone!

Well, I have to go now, ‘cause I have to go to the other end of the city,
and get another f*cking copy of my birth certificate, and to part with
another $80 for the privilege of accessing MY OWN INFORMATION!

Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot, to
assist in the issuance of a new passport on the same day?? Nooooo…
that’d be too fcking easy and makes far too much sense. You would much
prefer to have us running all over the place like chickens with our f
heads cut off, and then having to find some high-society wanker to confirm
that it’s really me in the goddamn photo! You know the photo… the one
where we’re not allowed to smile?! …you f*cking morons

Signed - An Irate Australian Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture, and getting someone in
high-society to confirm that it’s me? Well, my family has been in this
country since before 1850! In 1856, one of my forefath ers took up arms
with Peter Lalor. (You do remember the Eureka Stockade!!)
I have also served in both the CMF and regular Army for something over 30
years (I went to Vietnam in 1967), and still have high security
clearances… I’m also a personal friend of the president of the
RSL… and Lt General Peter Cosgrove sends me a Christmas card each year…

However, your rules require that I have to get someone ‘important’ to
verify who I am; You know… someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND
RAISED IN F*CKING PAKISTAN!!!.. a country where they either assassinate
or hang their ex-Prime Ministers, and are suspended from the Commonwealth
for not having the ‘right sort of government’.

You are all F*cking idiots!

That guy better be glad he has never had to deal with our illustrious CG when things go wrong. He would have a stroke.