Washington, DC — Senior Maritime Administration (MARAD) leaders have approved a new advertising campaign designed to increase numbers and encourage service members to leave the military and join the merchant marine, sources confirmed today.
The campaign, called the “We Don’t Do PT” drive, is intended to show that, while all other military branches have strenuous and physically demanding fitness challenges, the US Merchant Marine just doesn’t do that shit, officials said.
Airing nationally starting in June 2019, the campaign will include pictures of merchant men and women just sitting around a TV playing fornight. Despite the merchant marine trying at one point to initiate an actual PT test back in 1942, eventually they pulled the idea after realizing it was a motivational factor for people to join their ranks.
“The military Combat Fitness Test is way too hard,” said MARAD Spokesman, Frank Vincent. “Continuing to not work out unless you absolutely have to is a luxury that we are not willing to give up just yet, plus in the long run, we’re going to gain a buttload of new recruits with this incentive.”
“Although research and testing claims that being physically fit improves overall lifestyle, it just seems like a huge hassle,” said MARAD spokesman Jason M. Vanderhaden. “We also have removed other requirements that are considered a pain in the ass like getting haircuts and covering up jailhouse tattoos.”
Roughly 70,569 men and women are serving in the US Merchant Marine and continue to happily go without a PT test, consume all the fried fatty food they can shovel and sometimes don’t shower daily.
MARAD anticipates approximately 116 men and women will leave the Military to join the Merchant Marine within the next half a decade and this iniciative will raise that number to 129. It is unknown whether or not any real military branches will produce similar advertising strategies or just continue to think having a silly PT test to make sure full grown adults can take care of themselves.