# Funny Sh\*t My Captain Says **URL:** \ **Category:** Scuttlebutt\ **Created:** [May 6, 2007, 10:07am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91 "2007-05-06T10:07:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Kay9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Kay9](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/Kay9)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:03am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/62 "2009-12-10T02:03:43Z")
After hittinga bouy off the Coast of Marthas Vinyard on the RV Columbus Islen. AB “We hit a rock!” CMate " No no, rocks go crunch, bouys go boom." ---
**Author:** ![Kay9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Kay9](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/Kay9)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:07am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/63 "2009-12-10T02:07:17Z")
Onboard the RV Wecoma during typhone Iniki. The Chief scientist came to the bridge insisting we go in so that he could get off the ship. Captain responded: “Son we were built for 2 of the 3 elements on earth, water and wind, its when we add rocks that things go very very bad, now shut up and go below.” K9 ---
**Author:** ![tugmstr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5a626/32.png) [@tugmstr](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/tugmstr)\ **Post date:** [December 10, 2009, 2:55am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/64 "2009-12-10T02:55:59Z")
“Mr. Mate, never approach anything faster than your willing to hit it”. ---
**Author:** ![anrima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@anrima](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/anrima)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2009, 5:44pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/65 "2009-12-16T17:44:17Z")
Oh Bos’n Allen… Anyone know how to make a black cat walk backwards on a white picket fence? 😉 [quote=fantailfreddy;1168] From a bosun, renowned for his verbal abilities: -To a cadet who had gotten drunk the night before and shaved his head: “What happened boy? You let them do this to you? The boy looks like a damned bald-headed chicken f@#$er!” -To a cadet who never had the right answer: “Boy, you know why I wear knee-high waders? Because I know I’m going to have to wade through all your bullshit.” -To a cadet with a poor excuse for being late on deck: “The line’s too ratty, my hands hurt, I couldn’t get my cat to walk the picket fence backward and I was trying to train it. That’s why I’m late.”[/quote] ---
**Author:** ![albertpachino](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/forum.gcaptain.com/albertpachino/32/946_2.png) [@albertpachino](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/albertpachino)\ **Post date:** [January 13, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/66 "2010-01-13T14:25:32Z")
A female cadet was flirting with the captain to get shore leave. He ignored her fully until she stepped in front of him and flashed the doe-eye, damsel in distress look. “My cadet I never noticed your beautiful brown eyes before” “umm, Captain, they are blue” “Check them again, I think you’re full of shit” ---
**Author:** ![Columbia\_River\_Marin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/2bfe46/32.png) [@Columbia\_River\_Marin](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/Columbia_River_Marin)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2010, 4:58pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/67 "2010-01-14T16:58:20Z")
From Cap to training mate who seemed to have all the answers…“Boy, if you could run a boat the way you run your mouth, you would really be something” ---
**Author:** ![rjbpilot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/90ced4/32.png) [@rjbpilot](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/rjbpilot)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/68 "2010-01-15T17:58:42Z")
“Is that a flinder’s bar in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” ---
**Author:** ![HawspiperJeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/76d3ee/32.png) [@HawspiperJeff](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/HawspiperJeff)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 12:30am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/69 "2010-01-31T00:30:45Z")
" It’s not gay if it’s underway" “If you got time for leanin you got time for cleanin” ---
**Author:** ![stevefoster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4bbf92/32.png) [@stevefoster](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/stevefoster)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/70 "2010-01-31T03:47:20Z")
From a first tripper know nothing Aggie 3AE to the Captain of a supply boat after he had run the daytanks dry in the Mississippi River for the second time and the Captain (me) had reamed his ass, “Captain, you think you’re God don’t you?” Captain’s reply, “No son, I don’t think I’m God…you think I’m God” ---
**Author:** ![captfish](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/forum.gcaptain.com/captfish/32/53826_2.png) [@captfish](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/captfish)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 4:13am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/71 "2010-01-31T04:13:06Z")
The Captain of our tug posted the following above the toilet: "At this company we aim to please… …you should aim TOO, please" ---
**Author:** ![captfish](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/forum.gcaptain.com/captfish/32/53826_2.png) [@captfish](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/captfish)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 4:20am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/72 "2010-01-31T04:20:46Z")
While onboard a large container ship conducting my pre-transfer conference with the C/E prior to bunkering, I asked him if he would like to witness the opening gauges. To which he replied: “WITNESS THE GAUGES??? HAHAHAHAHA…[B]THIS IS AMERICA[/B]!!!” ---
**Author:** ![LOSTinFOURCHON](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LOSTinFOURCHON](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/LOSTinFOURCHON)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 4:47pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/73 "2010-01-31T16:47:46Z")
“You have to be smarter than the tools your working with” “The heat is in the tools” ---
**Author:** ![seadog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@seadog](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/seadog)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/74 "2010-01-31T22:13:25Z")
From [U]Two Years Before The Mast[/U]: “Now, my men, we have begun a long voyage. If we get along well together, we shall have a comfortable time; if we don’t, we shall have hell afloat. — All you’ve got to do is to obey your orders and do your duty like men, — then you’ll fare well enough; — if you don’t, you’ll fare hard enough, — I can tell you. If we pull together, you’ll find me a clever fellow; if we don’t, you’ll find me a [I]bloody [/I]rascal. — That’s all I’ve got to say. — Go below, the larboard watch!” ``` -Captain of the Brig Pilgrim, 1840 ``` ---
**Author:** ![Tugs](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/forum.gcaptain.com/tugs/32/158_2.png) [@Tugs](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/Tugs)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2010, 8:58pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/75 "2010-04-17T20:58:18Z")
While working of Assist Tugs in N.Y. Harbor, I had the pleasure of knowing some fine Pilots and some down right stupid ones also. One old timer Deckhand put it the best when he said " Do you know the diffence between GOD and a Pilot? GOD knows he’s not a pilot". Never have truer words been spoken. ---
**Author:** ![SailorDaniel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b782af/32.png) [@SailorDaniel](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/SailorDaniel)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2010, 12:36am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/76 "2010-04-18T00:36:23Z")
Didnt read the whole thread but in case no one else has posted it… “Damn the topedoes! Full speed ahead!” ---
**Author:** ![water](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/forum.gcaptain.com/water/32/131_2.png) [@water](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/water)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2010, 12:01am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/77 "2010-05-23T00:01:07Z")
“Never take on a cargo that can talk.” ---
**Author:** ![williwaw](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/91b2a8/32.png) [@williwaw](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/williwaw)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2010, 4:32pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/78 "2010-08-30T16:32:08Z")
Back in the day…LNG skipper in his Night Orders : “Call me in sufficient time to witness my own collision. !” ---
**Author:** ![Untrainable](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/13edae/32.png) [@Untrainable](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/Untrainable)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/79 "2010-09-29T20:14:58Z")
Deckhand: Hey skipper can I get a break? Skipper: You got a break when you got this job, get back to work! ---
**Author:** ![cmjeff](https://sea2.discourse-cdn.com/flex016/user_avatar/forum.gcaptain.com/cmjeff/32/124_2.png) [@cmjeff](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/cmjeff)\ **Post date:** [September 30, 2010, 5:38am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/80 "2010-09-30T05:38:57Z")
[QUOTE=williwaw;41715]Back in the day…LNG skipper in his Night Orders : “Call me in sufficient time to witness my own collision. !”[/QUOTE] Considering it’s an LNG he should have said “… in sufficient time for me to call my wife to say goodbye!” ---
**Author:** ![chemcarrier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@chemcarrier](https://forum.gcaptain.com/u/chemcarrier)\ **Post date:** [October 3, 2010, 3:50am UTC](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91/81 "2010-10-03T03:50:10Z")
Prior to assuming my 1st watch on a Tug the Captain could tell that I was green and he said to me "You see bow and the stern, to which I replied yes sir and he said thats where they better be when I get up! Capt. to new mate You see that sh%t out there thats the F#%king water keep it out there not in here!!! [Previous page](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91.md?page=3) [Next page](https://forum.gcaptain.com/t/funny-sh-t-my-captain-says/91.md?page=5)