Oil patch jokes for the DPO or 3/M


#1

An old drillship Captain and an old Rig Manager were sitting at a bar

in Houston arguing about who’d had the tougher career.

“I did 6 years in India and 4 years in Nigeria” said the RM.

"I brought the ship through 3 hurricanes and made 2 North Atlantic

crossings in the dead of winter" said the Captain.

“I escaped a hostile takeover of Indonesia and was shot in the arm!”

said the manager.

"You woos I was taken over by pirates in the malacca straight and

tortured 3 hours for the combination to the ship’s safe!" the old man

replied.

"That’s nothing while in nigera I caught the plague and spent 3 months

in the worst rat hole hospital you’ve ever seen, I still have scars

from the bed sours all down my back and now have to carry around this

colostomy bag!" said the rig manager.

“Ah,” said the Captain with a dismissive wave of his hand, "lucky

bastard, all shore duty, huh?"

A drillship is called into anchor to perform a UWILD and the captain

decided to quiz a mates & dpos.

“What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?”

“Throw out an anchor, sir,” the mate replied.

“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do

then?" asked the captain.

“Throw out another anchor, sir.”

“Hold on,” said the captain. “Where are you getting all those anchors from?”

“From the same place you’re getting your storms old man.”

The 5 most dangerous things you’ll hear on a Drillship

A Seaman saying, “I learned this in tops school…”

A crane operator saying, “Trust me…”

A toolpusher saying, “Run it like you stole it…”

A Chief Mate saying, “I was just thinking…”

An OIM saying, “Based on my experience…”

The Captain heading to the DP joystick saying, “Watch this shit…”


#2

That last one is funny. “Watch this S*(#$ …”


#3

I recently wanted to leave the 90-on 90-off schedule and get on a drillship so I asked a friend what do i need to do. Here’s the email I got fowarded… I think someone had too much time on their hands [img]http://gcaptain.com/maritime/forum/js/tinymce/jscripts/tiny_mce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border=“0” alt=“Wink” title=“Wink” />

<strong> So you want to be a drillship captain?</strong>

Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 3 weeks straight.

Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up, and paint the basement “deck gray.”

Have your oldest kid perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

Yell at your neighbor if he walks outside without a hardhat and boots.

Have your family eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then yell at them for spending too much work time in the bathroom.

Make your family complete an OJT before they operate any appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

Tell your wife that when the car is moving your in charge, while stopped or in park she’s in charge but if it catches on fire while it’s parked your in charge.

Tell your son to empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway 3 times a day, whether they need it or not. Give the task a stupid name like “policing main deck” or “AM trash run”.

Repaint your entire house once a month.

Disconnect all your neighbors’ phones and install a phone booth on the street.

Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch Fox News and the Country Music station.

Have the family vote on which tv channels to watch and then pick different ones.

Sew reflective strips to the front of all your shirts.

Expand your vocabulary. For this task watching Larry the Cable Guy is the best way to git 'r done.

Reprogram all your phones so that you have to dial 99 the number and # to call anyone outside your neighborhood. When you do call wait 3 seconds after every question before speaking.

Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

At 10:15 Sunday morning when your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone, and shout at the top of your lungs “Fire, fire in the galley, FIRE team muster at……”

Buy $50,000 worth of radio equipment “in case” there is an emergency and hire a qualified radio operator to “man the station”…… then make them pay your bills, arrange your travel and answer all your phone calls.

Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

Paint every room in your house powder blue.

When your daughter asks for an iPod fire up the old commodore 64 computer, make her type out the request, deny it 3 times, then call fedex and tell then to keep it in their warehouse for 3 months after it arrives.

When your kids come home with A’s on their report card buy them a camouflage hat with flames down the side and the family name embroidered across the brim.

Yell at your wife if she cooks anything but fried chicken for lunch on sunday

Call the restaurant five hours before arriving and then tell the cook to start heating up the steaks

Each Christmas when your aunt jane and uncle jim visit make them stay on the porch until they have watched a 2 hour video of yourself pointing out all the fire extinguishers and smoke alarms in your house.

Make your kids pay 50 cents for each soda they drink.

Never call a local repair man when your stove breaks. Instead call someone in the UK and pay for their flight. When they arrive call the taxi company and give them strict orders not to pick the repairman up until the stove is fixed.

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble “Sorry, wrong rack.”

Designate a room in the house as “The Control Room” then make your kids sit their in front of a computer screen for 12 hours. Tell them that if anything turns red they could cause the family millions of dollars.

Tell your neighbor to call you when ever they see a thunderstorm in your area.

Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

Leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Have your 2 year old spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor’s car. Ignore his complaints.

Head to the local dive bar and ask the first retired guy you see to sit in your home office scratching his nuts. Make him a plaque reading “company man” and tell him to “remind” you daily about every squeaky floor, dripping faucet, late mail deliveries…. Tell him to invite his friends over and when they show up move your kids into the garage so they have a nice bed to sleep in.

After shopping rent a cherry picker offload the groceries.

Each morning jot down the wind speed/direction, barometer reading and the amount of fluids in your hot water heater, gas tank, lawn mower…. convert the figures you get into whatever unit of measurement you did not use and write it down in 6 different places.

Have your kid monitor the police scanner 24 hours a day "just in case there’s an emergency.

Pay the editor of your son’s middle school newspaper an undisclosed amount to deliver his paper by helicopter to you each morning. When he arrives throw some leftovers into a Styrofoam box and offer it to him.

Find a bridge simulator with 360 degree views, enroll in ship handling class then spend 1/2 of your time looking behind you. Spend the other half of the time on the phone explaining why the main deck lights are out, why you don’t know/care what the water depth is and performing unit conversions in response to the question “Can you give me that in something I can use??” ….do this one every hour.

Once a year throw a huge bar-b-q. Buy crawfish, steak and shimp then overcook them and offer your guests only O’Douls and soda pop.

Go to your local elementary school and ask the principal to send you a weekly list of the stupidest things the kindergarteners have done that week. Call a meeting with your family every Monday and read the list with a straight face.

Place toohpicks, picante sauce and a can of Tony Chachere’s on your kitchen table.

Call 911 and tell them to send a helicopter each time your son falls off his bike.

Eat only at all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants that specialize in fried foods. Bonus points if you have a view of the cooking area from your table and the place primarily employs nose-pickers and butt-scratchers.

Twice a day (or more if possible) get everyone together in as small a room as possible (a closet or bathroom should do) and have a meeting to listen to someone tell you what you did all day. Bonus points for reiterating statements multiple times (i.e. “Like Joe says safety is…”).


#4

Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

Walk around town with safety checklists. Each time you find a city
employee doing something stupid write it down on an index card, tell
the person he screwed up then give the card to the mayor to read off at
the town council meeting.

Explain to your wife why you don’t know how to calculate tides 250miles
offshore. Once the lightbulb comes on spend at least one hour answering
questions like “Well why do you have a tide table book if it’s
useless?”, “Can’t you get the computer to tell you?” and “Don’t you
have a depth sounder like on a bass boat?”

Set your kids alarm clock to go off at 10:00 every Sunday morning. Make
them jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure they’re
wearing a plastic hat and metal in their shoes. Have them run out into
the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

Install a toilet in every room then leave your door open so that
everyone walking down the hallway knows you had chili-con-carne for
lunch.

Each time your family does something you think is unsafe or just plain
dumb take a digital photo of it and send it out to everyone you know.

Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

Give your wife a CB radio and tell her to call you each time she turns the car, fills up the gas tank or it starts to rain.

Install speakers and a telephone in every room of the house. When you
want to talk to your kids announce it over the speakers and give them
the phone number of your room. Repeat at lease once to make sure they
heard you,

Take hourly readings on your water and your electric meters.

Go to your children’s school and yell at the teacher for allowing them to use blue ink on their homework.

Surround yourself with people you would not choose to be with.
Suggested choices are those who: chain smoke, fart loudly and often,
snore like a steam locomotive on an uphill grade. Also, they must:
complain incessantly, seldom shower and/or brush their teeth. Lastly,
they must use expletives in speech like children use sugar on cereal.
In-laws will do nicely.

Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through one of them.

Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout “Man overboard,
starboard side” Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and
dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the
kitchen “stowed for sea.”


#5

So many good ones… which to quote?

How about

“When your kids come home with A’s on their report card buy them a
camouflage hat with flames down the side and the family name
embroidered across the brim.”

Priceless!


#6

Me? It is the expensive satellite TV system only playing CMT.


#7

<strong>Guest:</strong>

<div>
<p class="style1]
God, deciding that the
Earth had become too wicked again, sent down Noah to build another ark
and to again save two of every living thing. “You have six months
before I send the great flood.” God said.

<p class="style1]
Six
months later, God called in the thunder and lightning and the rain
came. He looked down and found Noah very distraught and with not one
plank on the boat’s hull.

<p class="style1]
“Noah, I have started the storm, why is the boat not finished?”

<p class="style1]
“There
have been some construction delays Lord. First I was told I needed a
building permit. Then a group called PETA protested saying that it was
inhumane to put all the animals in such a small place. Then I was told
that because I lived in a flood plain I could not build the ark there.
I told them that building it in a flood plain was exactly the point but
that did not impress them. My new location was fine but the EPA had to
first do an environmental impact study that held up construction until
just yesterday!”

<p class="style1]
Suddenly the clouds cleared up and a beautiful rainbow crossed the celestial horizon.

.

“I’m calling you back.” God said.

<p class=“style1]
“Aren’t you going to destroy the world Lord?” Noah asked.

<span class="style1]“What’s the point?” God said. “It looks like someone beat me to it!”</span>
</div>


#8

<strong>Guest:</strong>

I’m so doing this “Give your wife a CB radio and tell her to call you
each time she turns the car, fills up the gas tank or it starts to
rain.”