Maritime Jokes


#1

Hi everyone,<br><br>I have been following this forum for some months now. I had a free moment so I signed up to join in the mix.<br><br>Here are two maritime / sailor jokes passed down from my dad that I have really enjoyed over the years.<br><br><br>A naval officer fell overboard and was
rescued by a deckhand. The officer asked the sailor how he could
reward him. “The best way, sir,” replied the bluejacket, “is to say
nothing about it. If the other fellows knew I’d pulled you out,
they’d throw me in.”<br>
<br>
------------------------------------------------------<br>
<br>

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever
done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.<br>

<br>

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “I came upon a
gang of macho pirates who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I
approached the largest, meanest, nastiest one. I smacked him on the
head, knocked the parrot off his shoulder, ripped out his ear ring
and threw it on the ground and told him, ‘Leave her alone now or
you’ll answer to me.’”<br>

<br>

St. Peter was impressed. “When did this happen?” The man replies,
“Just a couple of minutes ago…”<br><br><br><br><br>Any other funny maritime / sailor joke you guys have to share?? <br>


#2

<br><br>We all know Heaven is a swell place to live but it’s a little know fact that JC throws a welcoming party for each new arrival. To make it really special St. Peter asks each person where they want the party to be held. Now most people ask for the park they visited as a child or the location of their High School Prom but when Joe Smith arrived he had a special request, he always wanted to travel aboard a cruise ship. <br><br>St. Peter thought about it, made a few phone calls and granted the wish noting that special request of this magnitude take time to process. Joe, realizing he had eternity, didn’t mind the wait and proceeded though the pearly gates with a smile.<br><br>Months went by before the big day arrived but JC had gone all out, the cruise ship was large and beautiful in every way imaginable. Every deck plate was teak and every inch of brass was polished but pulling the ship along was a tugboat billowing smoke from its exhaust. The party started quickly and after a few hours went by St. Peter asked Joe if everything met his expectations? Joe replied “The cruise is more than I ever dreamed but could we possibly untie that ugly tugboat? I want to smell the fresh ocean breeze!”<br><br><br>“OH, COME ON!!” Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find three mates and a captain up here! How many engineers do you think we have in Heaven?


#3

^^^^^ HAHAHA thats a great joke – never heard that one.


#4

Here’s a good one:<br><br>Dispatcher to vessel crew: “Your reliefs are in the carryall, they’ll be there is a couple of hours.”<br><br><br>Ha ha ha ha!


#5

Hope you like these:<br><br><br>From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands. “Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain. The cruise ship captain replied, “I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.” <br><br>An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?” “Yes, I know,” said the lady, “I need both hands to hold onto this hat.” “But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!” <br><br>A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: “Look, it’s not the same hat”. “Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table”. “Hey, why are all these cards the Ace of Spades?” The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was, after all, the captain’s parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course! They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. this went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: “OK, I give up. Where’s the boat?” <br><br>An engineer finally splurged on a luxury cruise to the Caribbean. It was the “craziest” thing he had ever done in his life. Just as he was beginning to enjoy himself, a hurricane roared upon the huge ship, capsizing it like a child’s toy. Somehow the engineer, desperately hanging on to a life preserver, managed to wash ashore on a secluded island. Aside from beautiful scenery, a spring-fed pool, bananas and coconuts, there was little else. He lost all hope and for hours on end, sat under the same palm tree. One day, after several months had passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appeared. “I’m from the other side of the island,” she said. “Were you on the cruise ship, too?” “Yes, I was,” he answered. “But, where did you get that rowboat?” “Well, I whittled the oars from gum tree branches, wove the reinforced gunnel from palm branches, and made the keel and stern from a Eucalyptus tree.” “But, what did you use for tools?” asked the engineer. “There was a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed on the south side of the island. I discovered that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. Anyhow, that’s how I got the tools. But, enough of that,” she said. “Where have you been living all this time? I don’t see any shelter.” “To be honest, I’ve just been sleeping on the beach,” the engineer said. “Would you like to come to my place?” the woman asked. The engineer nodded dumbly. She expertly rowed them around to her side of the island, and tied up the boat with a handsome strand of hand-woven hemp topped with a neat back splice. They walked up a winding stone walk she had laid around a Palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow, painted in blue and white. “It’s not much, but I call it home.” Inside, she said, “Sit down, please; would you like to have a drink?” “No, thanks,” said the engineer. “One more coconut juice and I’ll throw up!” “It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied. “I have a crude still out back, so we can have authentic Pina Coladas.” Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted the drink, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?” “No,” the engineer replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life until I ended up on this island.” “Well if you’d like to shave, there’s a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet.” The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom and shaved with an intricate bone-and-shell device honed razor sharp. Next he showered, not even attempting to fathom a guess as to how she managed to get warm water into the bathroom, and went back downstairs. He couldn’t help but admire the masterfully carved banister as he walked. “You look great,” said the woman. “I think I’ll go up and slip into something more comfortable.” As she did, the engineer continued to sip his Pina Colada. After a short time, the woman, smelling faintly of gardenias, returned wearing a revealing gown ashioned out of pounded palm fronds. “Tell me,” she asked, "we’ve both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know what I mean. Haven’t you been lonely, too…isn’t here something that you really, really miss? Something that all men and woman need? Something that would be really nice to have right now! “Yes, there is!” the man replied, shucking off his shyness. “There is something I’ve wanted to do for so long. But on this island all alone, it was just…well, it was impossible.” “Well, it’s not impossible, any more,” the woman said. The engineer, practically panting in excitement, said breathlessly: “You mean…you actually figured out some way we can CHECK OUR E-MAIL.!!” <br><br>A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She’s also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, “My God, you saved my life!” He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They’ve set up a hut, there’s fruit on the trees, and they’re in heaven. Cindy’s fallen madly in love with our man, and they’re making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he’s looking kind of glum. “What’s the matter, sweetheart?” she asks, “We have a wonderful life together, I’m in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?” He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?” “Sure,” she says, “if it will help.” He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. “Now would you put on my pants?” he asks. “Sure, honey, if it’s really going to make you feel better,” she says. “Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?” he asks. “Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does. Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?” She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, “Dude! You’ll never believe who I’m sleeping with!” <br><br>A musician who joined an orchestra on a cruise ship was having difficulty keeping time with the rest of the band. Finally, the captain said, “Either you learn to keep time or I’ll throw you overboard. . . . It’s up to you, sync or swim.” <br><br>A panhandler was caught trying to sneak aboard a Princess liner about to embark on a three-day trip to the Bahamas. He was caught by the Purser who threw him off the ship telling him, … Beggars can’t be cruisers.<br>