Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


While I’m downbound on the Mississippi, I overhear two pilots talking to each other about fog conditions in different locations. One finally says to the other, “There’s no fog in my radar”.

Well, that’s reassuring.

Sent from my PiratePhone using gCaptain


After you work down there for awhile and realize that more often than not it is “foggy” you look at fog kinda like rain. Its sucks but you can run in it. You really learn how to tune that radar and use it to do everything when workin on da bayou.
Well, that was the “ol days”. Can’t speak for today.
runnin in the fog was up to the individual but depending on where you where and what you were pushin, runnin in the fog was just another day at the office.
not sayin that is “right” but it is true.
the only places I have seen most bayou pilots shut down for fog is VTS zones and very ship traffic areas.


No one is completely useless…

They can always be used as a bad example.


25 ne wind. Owner of the tug to me" yall need to head back up the bay"CAPTAIN to me" the owner is old enough for his wants not to bother him"


First day getting on the boat I asked the captain how he was doing. He then said “If I was any happier, I’d shit out a chicken egg. I have crew change next week.”


Captain once said to me when I was preparing for mooring ops.
Mate, you have to herd them all like goats. Don’t let them go wandering off to chew on grass, herd the like goats


The Captain calls the company HR manager complaining about the new KP 3rd mate he was sent.
“That kid is useless as tits on a bull!” Exclaimed the Captain.
“Well” replied the HR manager “We can’t fire him but I can send another KP grad out to help him”
“Just what I want” replied the captain “bitching in stereo!”


watching a 4000hp tug backing full and struggle to pull his ship off the dock, docking pilot quietly mutters to apprentice, “that fucking piece of shit boat couldn’t back its way out of a fucking cheesecake.”


When I first started sailing tugs under SIU contract in the mid '80s, I was on a Houston/Tampa run. One day, we were moored to the Banana Dock for partial crewchange and revictual. There were four other tugs from different companies near by. There were several cabs and delivery trucks on the dock. Crewmembers were milling around the dock, loading stores, shooting the shit. A couple of guys on our crew were standing on the dock talking to another mariner that had just gotten out of a cab.

The captain, while standing in the wheelhouse, recognizes this guy as a cook he fired the year before. The captain then yells out to the cook, “Do not step foot on this tug! Wait right there!”

Now under our SIU contract, anyone dispatched to a job with no position to fill is entitled to two days pay. The captain then steps on the dock, hands the cook $200 and says “you’re not working any vessel that I’m the master!!”. The cook then stuffs the hundred dollar bills in his pocket, picks up his seabag, walks down the dock and gets on a Sonat tug…pricless


Chief (me)"Capt which dock we going to?"
Capt “the one next to the titty bar with the purple sign.”


Sounds like something someone would say in Morgan City, LA


She’ll go like a bat out of Hell forwards and backwards. Just don’t asked her to turn…talking about our new high performance rudders.


I have two rules on board. First rule is the Captain is always right. Second rule is when in doubt, refer to the first rule.


My captain to a day boater and his wife cutting over our catenary on the PA “Ma’am, I advise you call the cops, cuz your dumbfuckery of a husband is trying to kill you.”


I work in the Gulf of Mexico on a supply boat and today out of the blue my captain told me: “You got one damn job don’t F$k@:n hit nothin.” And that was it for no reason haha.


[QUOTE=mchuck;103091]I work in the Gulf of Mexico on a supply boat and today out of the blue my captain told me: “You got one damn job don’t F$k@:n hit nothin.” And that was it for no reason haha.[/QUOTE]

Oh, there was a reason. . . .


“Good morning fellas. What’ll it be, a loud one or a stinky one? Ah hell, I’ll give you both.”


I was taking a pilot to a ship in the fog one morning and asked him which he preferred the wind or fog, he said wind without hesitation . I asked why as he was quick to say wind, he told me in the wind you can at least see what your going to crash into. I still laugh telling guys that one.


Haha maybe cause another one of his mates hit something in brazil when I wasn’t their. But doubt it was directed at me. He trusts me when he’s down below.


“What do you need a lifejacket for? (Takes a pull of his cigarette) Shit floats…”