Funny Sh*t My Captain Says


WHen discussing which candidate is the better candidate, the master said “that’s like asking which cook is a better cook”, knowing that neither are very good.



Neither will the Chief Engineer but both will sure let you roll up your sleeves and try to fix it yourself!


Captain talking to the engineer… This is my f*&%ing boat your just renting the basment…


Splash… I nearly fell off my chair! ( Funy because it’s true :wink:


haha,yeah I got the hell out of the wheel house…


I just heard this one from a Capt at the bar, we were talking about heavy weather;
“Big waves are like first wives, fun to ride your first year at sea, less so as time rolls on.”


I’m glad this was brought back to the top. I hadn’t seen it.
My best was as a young AB in the early 90s on my first trip on an Ocean Tug to San Juan. Having just come from supply boats in the Gulf, the Captain said:
<strong>“Son - You’re on a tug now! When we back up to a rig - it means we’re taking the motherf…r with us!” </strong>- Capt. Frank G.


Work, it may. Shine, it must!


An OLD engineer, responding to a new C/M telling to get out of the wheelhouse
" What shade of dark do you like best up here??"


Captain to me on my commericial cruise as we approached a Carrier group for UNREP:
“Cadet, whenever you see an aircraft carrier on the horizon just think of the theme from jaws and act accordingly.”


A few years ago, I was 2/M on a container ship. Just prior to departing Pusan, the Captain came on the bridge, and through clenched teeth, whispered in my ear:

“Get that fucking Pilot out of my chair.”


“When the draft of the vessel exceeds the depth of the water, you are aground!”


Capt. RusselL Bowles…rest his soul, if he had one…while rigging up, working an eighteen-man crew on my first day as mate (and the youngest man aboard):
“Son, If <strong>YOU</strong> do a good job for <strong>ME </strong>you can stay aboard. If <strong>I</strong> don’t do a good job for <strong>YOU</strong>, <strong>YOU’LL</strong> have to go ashore.”

When I was fifteen years old, running down the East Coast on a pogy boat at night with the pilot, Capt. Earl Evans, running the boat …rest his soul (and I think he had one)… before LORAN or GPS, somewhere off of Ocean City, Maryland I asked him, while screwing up the settings on his new RADAR (he called it a “visionary set”):
"Capt. Earl, do you know where we are?"
His reply:
“Yessir, if we head West we’ll run ashore in North America.”

My Grandfather:
The godamned captain’s not <strong>ALWAYS </strong>right, but he’s <strong>ALWAYS </strong>the godamned Captain!

My Grandfather:
“Go in front of a mule and behind a ship.”


One that still sticks with me was actually a harbor pilot. Coming out of Haifa Israel, I’m taking the pilot down to the ladder. He was an older salty type.

“Son, why do you have “Left” and “Right” infront of the helmsman?”

“Its required by law, sir.”

“Oh, thats right, America is the country that you can sue over hot coffee.”


My best to young mate “Just don’t scratch the paint”


Chief officer to the Dive Sub while engaged in a lively discussion:

"You better watch your Biodegradable ROV’s when they are doing blubblub instead of harassing me with this futile stuff "




Old Master to a young mate (me): “I thought I made a mistake once, but I was wrong.”


“I’m hitting the rack. Call anytime just remember…[I] if you need me I don’t need you![/I]”


“Son, I was in Bagdad before you were in Dad’s bag.”