Ask Capt_Anonymous


#1

Howdy all you salty dogs. I’ve been asked a bunch of questions via Private Messaging, and I thought to myself, hey, I should become the Ann Landers of gCaptain. So here we go. If you have a question, I generally will have an answer. So ask away, and I’ll do my best to answer.

For example, here’s a question that recently appeared in my Inbox:

[I]Dear Capt_Anonymous,

I work on a dredge, and I share a cabin with an idiot. He thinks that it is funny to start every day by saying “Damn, this job sucks, heh heh heh.” How can I make him stop? This f*&^%$# joke wasn’t funny the first time. It is day 26 of my hitch and I think I will explode tomorrow morning. What should I do?

Hopeping (sic) for some good advise (sic),
Muddy[/I]

Now Muddy’s a friend who desperately needs help. So after pondering long and hard, I wrote back to Muddy.

[I]Dear Muddy,

It sounds to me like your cabin mate lacks a certain “je ne se quoi” regarding comedic timing and irony. You might suggest that you watch a Steve Martin film together, or if there are none aboard, something with Ben Stiller or Jack Black. “Tropic Thunder” is perfect. Perhaps your shipmate will learn something. If all else fails, hysterically laugh your ass off each time he say that thing he says, and maybe he’ll figure out that you’re having fun at his expense. But I wouldn’t hold my breath. Some people who work on boats are, alas, simply not funny.

Your faithful correspondent,
C_A

[/I]

Post your questions, your problems, your heartaches here. I’ll fix you up.
Capt_Anonymous


#2

Dear Capt,
I think I may be having marriage troubles but I will digress to your expertise…
While going over the monthly bills I noticed for the last year or so Ive been paying “Raul’s Pool Cleaners” $70 a month. The invoice is always noted for the special clean and shock, and the slogan under his letterhead reads, "we carry enough hose for any deep-end."
What concerns me most is I dont have a pool. What do you think?


#3

Oh this oughta be good…


#4

[QUOTE=rigdvr;53696]Dear Capt,
I think I may be having marriage troubles but I will digress to your expertise…
While going over the monthly bills I noticed for the last year or so Ive been paying “Raul’s Pool Cleaners” $70 a month. The invoice is always noted for the special clean and shock, and the slogan under his letterhead reads, "we carry enough hose for any deep-end."
What concerns me most is I dont have a pool. What do you think?[/QUOTE]

Dear rigdvr,

From your “handle” I’ll assume that you’ve spent most of your adult life narc’d out of your head, squeaking like a duck through your hardhat commlink. Which is the exact tone of your whiny query. Nothing else could explain the fact that you’re just now learning that your wife is getting her pool cleaned monthly by Raul.

I’ll tell you what I tell all my young lovesick shipmates: [U][B]Never marry your first wife.[/B][/U] Never, ever, ever. It’s as simple as that. I even told my three sons Chip and Ernie and Whazzizname the same thing. Though they kinda had a weird thing going for their Uncle Charlie that I never quite understood. But, I digress. See, unlike you, I know how to use the word “digress”. But I’m not here to pick on you, especially in your tender state.

I got that advice from my daddy. He married his sister but it didn’t affect me at all. When I grew up, I didn’t marry my first wife, and when I found a similar bill from Raul (do we live in the same neighborhood?!) I just kicked her to the curb and went on with my life. I’d suggest you do the same, since Raul has the biggest hose in town and once he’s cleaned a pool it’s truly ruined for anyone else.

I found this picture in her nightstand: and as you can see, there’s no competing with the man.

Dry your tears, drink your anger away, and carry on. She’s lost to you. Her leaving the bill out in view was her passive-agressive way of saying adios.

Which is what I’m saying now too.

C_A


#5

Dear Capt Anonymous

I am trying to upgrade my license and the REC said I needed 47 more days of sea time. I found the perfect job that was going to give me the exact number of days I needed.

But then we crossed the International Date line and it was Yesterday again and now the REC says I am one day short. Do you think this will hold up on appeal, and by the way it was a Sunday and I didn’t go to church but then I flew back and it was Sunday again and I did go to church. So was it a sin that I didn’t go to church on the first Sunday. Also it appears my new girlfriend Tina is messaging other people on GCaptain trying to start up relationships. Should I pray for her?


#6

Dear Capt. Anonymous,

The love of my life, Tina, got drunk the other night and sent out some very inappropriate messages online. Now she is the talk of the forum, and some are even going so far as to claim her as their own. I’m getting very irate and it’s to the point that I’m trying to avoid a postal incident, as I truly love my fellow seamen, but in a non-gay way.

How should I handle this disturbing situation?

Deuce

P.S. I love you Tina!!


#7

[QUOTE=skycowboy;53706]Dear Capt Anonymous

I am trying to upgrade my license and the REC said I needed 47 more days of sea time. I found the perfect job that was going to give me the exact number of days I needed.

But then we crossed the International Date line and it was Yesterday again and now the REC says I am one day short. Do you think this will hold up on appeal, and by the way it was a Sunday and I didn’t go to church but then I flew back and it was Sunday again and I did go to church. So was it a sin that I didn’t go to church on the first Sunday. Also it appears my new girlfriend Tina is messaging other people on GCaptain trying to start up relationships. Should I pray for her?[/QUOTE]

Dear skycowboy,

Wow, have you got some crowded airspace in your entreaty for help. I’ll do my best to make some sense of it for you. Let’s take it one issue at a time:

  1. [B]47 days of seatime needed.[/B] First off, where have you been lately? The REC told you? Son, the REC could tell you your fly is down and it wouldn’t matter. Your complex issue, indeed [I]all[/I] sentences ending in a question mark, MUST be referred to the National Maritime Centre located on the waterfront somewhere in West Virginia. I hear they also handle coal mining permits, but as usual, I digress. My point is, you can tell the REC to stuff themselves, because you now know where the answer lies. Speaking of lies, I’ll get to Tina later. Now, before I can help you with your seatime, I need more info.
    a. Please post a copy of your Shellback Certificate, duly signed and sealed by the Master of the scow you were on. Mostly because I don’t believe you’ve been in that neighborhood 'cause I haven’t seen you out there.
    b. 8 hour days or 12 hour days? This could make all the difference and could be the key to solving your dilemma. Of course, if you’re on a drillship you’re screwed either way. Holy crap, I just thought of something important. What if the pointy end of the MODU is West of the line and the other end is East of the line? Nowadays, with all these fancy DP ships, that is a real possibility and opens up a whole can of worms. Gives me a headache. Again, digression. Sorry.
    c. Make yourself a pot of coffee and call 1-800-IASKNMC. One of their highly trained script readers will direct you to the almost correct voicemail box in which you can spew your question.
    d. Good luck with that.

  2. [B]Your church attendance: [/B]Now this church thing would normally bother me but the truth is, you’re gonna smoke a turd in purgatory just by virtue of the fact that you sail the seas and fly the skies. If God in her wisdom meant for men to do those things he would have made us winged (pronounced wing-ed) gill breathers. You and everyone else in our chosen profession are damned for eternity due to our audaciousness. So I say why even bother with church? There are lots of cool bowling shows on TV on Sunday. For an artistic look at this issue please listen to Alice Cooper’s song “No More Mister Nice Guy” in which Mr. Cooper explores a lyrical analysis of his own realization that Church isn’t an option for him, either.

  3. [B]The “Tina” factor: [/B] Because Tina and I are in a counselor - patient relationship, I am bound by confidentiality laws and so cannot address your query in specifics. I can however use another popular song as a metaphor for your and Tina’s dynamic. Please listen to Smashmouth’s “Pet Names”, and take notes. Note the intentional repetition of the phrase “Your Ex” while you’re looking in the mirror.

It sounds to me like it’s time for you to go grab a 100 dollar hamburger.

Toodles,
C_A


#8

[B]Dear Capt. A.

I’ve applied for several [I]positions[/I] @ the REC but they keep telling me to come back after hours and NO I don’t need to bring a resume.

I’ve tried getting exposure on several maritime sites, but with few proposals.

I am a hard worker and I know I can tie a bow.

How can I get them to take me seriously? I’m not just a piece of mate.

By the way, Does REC stand for “recreation” ? (They do have a pool there)

Tina[/B][FONT=Arial][SIZE=4]
[/SIZE][/FONT]


#9

Longtime reader Captain A, big fan of the new column. Keep up the good work!


#10

[QUOTE=NAUTICART;53717][B]Dear Capt. A.

I’ve applied for several [I]positions[/I] @ the REC but they keep telling me to come back after hours and NO I don’t need to bring a resume.

I’ve tried getting exposure on several maritime sites, but with few proposals.

I am a hard worker and I know I can tie a bow.

How can I get them to take me seriously? I’m not just a piece of mate.

By the way, Does REC stand for “recreation” ? (They do have a pool there)

Tina[/B][FONT=“luxi-sans-1”][SIZE=4]
[/SIZE][/FONT][/QUOTE]

Dear Tina,

I thought we covered this already, in private, but since you decided to blab it all over the internet, I’ll (again) do my best to help. Here’s how your question to me should have read (please note my corrections in [B]bold text[/B]:

I’ve applied [B]in[/B] several positions @ the REC but they keep telling me to come back after hours and NO I don’t need to bring a resume.

I’ve tried [B]giving[/B] exposure on several maritime sites, but with few proposals.

I am a hard worker and I know I can tie a bow[B] with my tongue[/B].

How can I get them to take me seriously? I’m [B]a tender, juicy[/B] piece of meat.

By the way, Does REC stand for “recreation” ? (They do have a pool there)

See how much better that reads? Please don’t be late for today’s appointment.

Sigh,
C_A


#11

[QUOTE=Cal;53718]Longtime reader Captain A, big fan of the new column. Keep up the good work![/QUOTE]

Dear Cal,

I hear your cry for help. Please, when you feel up to it, let your guard down and know that this is a safe place for you to find what you need.

Empathetically,
C_A


#12

Nauticart tell me to make my own page here so i did


#13

Capt. A I want to know how I can grow up big and strong like you?


#14

[QUOTE=Jemplayer;53839]Capt. A I want to know how I can grow up big and strong like you?[/QUOTE]

Dear Jemplayer,

Please send pictures.

Your friend,
C_A


#15

Hello Sir.

I have been a licensed Master for 15 years and always had a little trouble with the plate tests. I went to a clinic in my new town and the doctor only had a litmus test, which I did not pass.
He emailed the NMC and told them I failed the color vision test. I was then contacted by the NMC and was told I had to go to my local USCG office to take a color vision test for them.
I went yesterday and I was given the Ishihara plate test as well as the Dvorine plate test. I passed on the Ishihara test but failed the Dvorine one.
I have always taken the Ishihara tests in the past and have always passed them.

I guess what I need to know is if i passed one out of two will they let me keep my license???
I have 15 years of inland towing experience with no accidents and now they are threatening to take my livelihood away.

Thanks for listening to my rant.

Dear whoever you are,

There are two issues that concern me here. The first falls under the HIPAA (Health Information Privacy) laws. Unless you specifically, and in writing, authorized your physician to contact ANYONE by email regarding your medical records, that physician is in violation of physician/patient confidentiality, his Hippocratic Oath, ethics, and HIPAA. If you didn’t authorize him/her/it to contact the NMC regarding your medical records, hire an ambulance chaser and sue sue sue.

My second concern is that you were sent to the “local USCG office” where someone administered two medical tests to you. Question: Was the person administering and interpreting the test results a licensed Physician, Physician’s Assistant, Optometrist, Ophthalmologist, RN, or Capt_Anonymous? If not, I’d suggest that if you’re denied your credential that you appeal based on the fact that the USCG personnel at the local office are not qualified to administer and interpret such medical tests.

All drama and litigation aside, you passed the Ishihara test and that should have been the end of it. Why they gave you a second test is simply proof that they’re fucking idiots.

Good luck, please keep me informed.

Your [COLOR=green]Pal,

C[COLOR=yellow]_[COLOR=red]A[/COLOR][/COLOR][/COLOR]


#16

[I]Recently, the following question popped into my PM inbox. I’ve tightened things up a bit and changed some names and locations.[/I]

Dear Capt_Anonymous,

Last night, I was out with the boys from my ship. We work on a tramper (not many of those around anymore! -C_A) and were tied up in Port Au Prince. After a long night of drinking and stuff, I had met a lovely local girl and we were hitting it off. I learned some new words like “Santeria” and “Mojo” and “Lukumí” and stuff. But I was also learning how much fun it is to be tied up and taken advantage of in a foreign port.

Now, I’m a long time holder of my AB Unlimited, but when I woke up I found myself tied to the bed with a strange knot that I had never before seen. It had a double loop thing that my cankles were hooked into. Kinda pretty in its symmetry, actually. But I don’t know what it is called and I sure don’t know how to tie it. Or untie it, for that matter. Thank goodness my hands have enough freedom of movement so that I can send this. I just hope this place has some bars. Can you help?

Spanish Fly

Dear Spanish Fly,

Funny, but your handle there nearly matches the name of the knot your lovely voodoo priestess used on you. I’ll almost guarantee she’s got you bound up in a really cool knot called a Spanish Bowline.

If you can get on Wikipedia, click here for more info on the knot.

If you want, you can watch some silly Boy Scout tie on one YouTube by clicking here.

I use this knot all the time to impress the girls at the Senior Center. I go there to visit my dad, Commodore_Anonymous, from time to time and I usually score some action as well. That knot really gets 'em hot. It’s a hot knot, in a category all its own.

I hope that helps,
C_A


#17

Dear Capt A,

I am 38 years old and have been in perfect health most of my life, in fact I’ve never taken more than a handful of Motrin, but recently I’ve found myself in dire straights. Here’s my story:

It all started 3 months ago with the renewing of my license. The application included my latest medical assessment which stated that I was in perfect health, a true statement at the time, but soon I got a call from Melissa, a civilian working at the NMC, with a long list of clerical errors. She told me that I messed up nearly every form I submitted and even sent 2 forms that where completely unnecessary. The forms took nearly a month of frequent calls with Melissa to sort out and in that time she told me I, like many of the mariners she deals with, am probably ADD.

So I went to a shrink and soon walked out with a bottle of ritalin and a new grasp on my life. It was life-changing. I could see clearly for the first time ever and no longer fell asleep on night watches or made any stupid navigational errors. The cloud seemed to lift instantly from my brain. So I called Melissa with the good news and, with my new skills of perception, realized she was hitting on me. I began to loose sleep at night thinking of the voice on the other end of the phone so I returned to the shrink and left with a bottle of Ambien and anti-anxiety medication. Goodbye sleepless nights!

Well rested and feeling mellow - yet clear - I finally had the courage to call Melissa and ask her out on a date. But each time I tried to make the call my heart started racing. Days later, at a routine cholesterol screening, the rig medic said I needed to lower my heart rate or I’d face an early death. So I was sent to the company doctor who gave me some heart pills and a taxi voucher to the medical testing lab. At the lab they took blood, piss, salavia and, just when I thought it was all over, they gave me a zip-lock bag containing a small cup and a dirty magazine. Well I’ve never had “performance” issues before but the magazine just wasn’t cutting it. Melissa’s siren of a voice kept playing over-and-over in my head but… I still had never met her. Without a picture of her in my mind I just couldn’t complete that last test. So, returning to the doctor, I got a handful of blue pills and instructions to return to the lab in a few weeks time.

Later that day, as luck would have it, Melissa called to say that my license was ready and she suggested that I pick it up in person! Fearing that I’d never be able to manually stimulate myself again until I found out what she looked like I booked a flight to West Virginia and… WOW. She was a knock-out! We instantly hit it off and, with the help of my new medicine chest, we started having the best s-e-x of our lives. I felt like Barry Bond’s on a home run streak and she felt like the goddess aphrodite (her words, not mine).

My problem is that my life is now perfect. The ritalin, ambien, viagra have really changed my life for the better. I’m so good in fact that now I can shoot backsights of uranus both in the pilothouse and in bed! My question is… do I stop taking the pills and risk loosing my relationship or disclose the drug use to the NMC and risk loosing my license?

-BH


#18

[QUOTE=Capt_Anonymous;53933]Dear Jemplayer,

Please send pictures.

Your friend,
C_A[/QUOTE]

[B]" c.c." me too,… I want to start collection for gCaptain calendar.

[/B]


#19

[QUOTE=humorist;54940]My question is… do I stop taking the pills and risk loosing my relationship or disclose the drug use to the NMC and risk loosing my license?

-BH[/QUOTE]

Stop taking the pills. You’ll lose the relationship but you’ll regain your ability to spell, which deteriorated noticeably during the course of your missive. One risks loosing their bowels, not their relationships, unless you begin taking on outside partners. You can’t loose [sic] your license anymore because, as you should know, you no longer have one. You could lose your certification as a merchant mariner, however, so be careful.

Go ahead and tell the NMC what you’re taking. They don’t have a clue anyhow, and it actually won’t matter in your case as they’ll routinely deny any application that come across their desks when they spot Melissa’s lipstick all over it. Trust me, son, you’re not the first to explore Melissa’s inbox. Or her outbox, for that matter. Cut your losses, get tested for chlamydia, and take those antibiotics exactly as prescribed. Then, chalk this one up to experience and marry that girl your Mom always said you should have.

Best regards,
C_A

p.s. Does Melissa still have that weird little mole with the single bristle sprouting out if it? You know, the one at 135º relative? I suggested to her that she get it removed, as it looked pre-cancerous to me.


#20

Here’s a question for you, Capt_Anonymous, that recently popped up on the forum. Can you help this poor damsel in distress, maybe?

[I]I wonder if there are any “other halves” on here – male or female – that might give me an opinion.

I met someone nice, we started dating, it was going well, then… he’s off at sea. For months. And is mostly not writing. It really seems like a terrible relationship to sign up for… no? Now that I’ve had time to think it over it seems like I’m possibly getting involved with someone who basically is gone a little more than half the time. Meaning there will be half the holidays, half the vacations, half the picnics, half the camping trips, half the sex, half of basically everything great I want in a relationship… Someday he could be, at best, half a dad. Argh, that seems awful.

What am I missing?!??

I feel like breaking it off now (when he returns) before it gets anywhere, but maybe I’m judging the situation unfairly??[/I]